The future is?

I cannot even begin to guess how many times my worries have turned toward the future since our diagnosis. There have been so many nights of tossing and turning as I worried and wondered, “Will Monkey ever…walk, talk, be potty trained, have seizures, learn to read, learn to count, tell me he loves me, enjoy school, learn to drive, get a diploma, go to college, live on his own, find love, have children, have grandchildren?” And those are just the highlights, in between are a thousand other smaller worries.

One of the most awful parts of living with fragile X is the not knowing. If only I had a crystal ball then maybe then I could be prepared for what the future holds, maybe I could worry less and enjoy more. Unfortunately, my crystal ball seems to be slow in coming. So I’ve muddled along, finding reassurance in the fact that others who have walked this path before me have survived the not knowing and built very nice lives for their kids. I know it is possible, everything is possible, and I focus so hard on that and try to push the worry away. I have had mixed success, to be honest, but I’m still trying.

This morning Eric was helping Monkey pick out clothes. Today was a non-uniform day at school which we all find ridiculously exciting. OK, honestly, I think Eric and I find it much more exciting than he does. Our little Monkey sees no problem whatsoever in wearing the same color pants and shirt every day, in fact, I am pretty sure that is a bit of fragile x heaven! He is not only allowed to but is required to1 wear the same thing day after day after day. Not today. Today he had to chose.

I was putting on my make-up and I heard the two of them discussing the t-shirt options. I have an unnatural love of t-shirts so Monkey has drawers positively stuffed with a variety of colors, characters and sayings. You might be shocked to hear that I lean markedly towards the positive message t-shirts2. There are no snarky t-shirts in those drawers though my attitude is snarky in general. I like nice, uplifting messages for my boy to wear as armor when he’s out in the world.

I half listened as I tried to get my eyeliner to cooperate3 and I heard Eric offering up shirts for consideration. “This one? How about this one? You pick!” Then there was the moment when the “Nope, nuffin’,” “Not work, too big” protests stopped.

“This one? You want to wear this one?” Eric asked.There was no answer I could hear but I heard Eric reading the shirt, “The future is…” and he paused to let Monkey read it.

Monkey hesitated a second and then said, excitedly, “Awesome!”

I nearly started crying and ruined my just applied eyeliner. The t-shirt actually says, “The Future is Mine.” but Monkey has shown us over and over again that there is way more going on in that little noggin than most people suspect. I can’t shake the feeling that maybe he is my crystal ball…that the future really is awesome…

  1. Along with everyone else! []
  2. Or not! []
  3. Srsly, it should not be so hard! []

19 thoughts on “The future is?

  • February 10, 2012 at 11:10 am
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    *tears* I love you for capturing and saying my thoughts. Thanks to Monkey for reminding me to LISTEN (even when there are no words).
    Kathleen Quinnยดs last blog post ..Happiness.

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  • February 10, 2012 at 11:13 am
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    The future – just like You, E and C… (ok, and me) – all of it – AWESOME!

    Love this <3

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  • February 10, 2012 at 11:28 am
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    Love this! So beautiful!

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  • February 10, 2012 at 11:33 am
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    The future holds only as much as you can dream!!! I have a feeling Monkey’s future will be “Awesome”!!!

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  • February 10, 2012 at 11:34 am
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    Worry is a part of life…it’s what you DO with the worry to constructively change the future that matters ๐Ÿ™‚ (spoken from a true worrier)

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  • February 10, 2012 at 11:39 am
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    As I said to Kathleen earlier this week….THANK_YOU!!!! I was in a space where Happiness and a positive future were the furthest thing in my mind. Glad I have met new friends that are so Awesome!!!!

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  • February 10, 2012 at 1:14 pm
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    SOOOO… You are such an inspiration for positivity. I’m sure you have bad days too, but your positive outweighs any negative. Thank you. I hope one day I can reach someone the way YOU HAVE ME.
    Thank you for sharing your stories. Have a great day.

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  • February 10, 2012 at 3:12 pm
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    I am simply at a loss for words you gals (and guy)…thank you all so much for the kind words.

    One of Caleb’s other t-shirts says “+ beats -“. I truly do believe that and I am so grateful that my positive days outnumber my negative ones, it certainly did not start that way!

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  • February 10, 2012 at 3:13 pm
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    Wow! I’ve worried over those very things for my little boy. This brought tears to my eyes, but also a smile to my face. Thanks for sharing:)

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  • February 10, 2012 at 3:42 pm
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    Big smile on my face. Nice.

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  • February 10, 2012 at 6:20 pm
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    Awww how gorgeous. As mum of two girls severely to moderately affected one turning 18 and the other 15 this year, can I say the future for them is amazing! Ok they may not be able to do or comprehend some things but they bring so much joy and laughter to our world. They have so much potential regardless of their diagnosis and the thing I love most about these kids is you can’t box them they will blow every assumption out of the water!

    Our kids are beautiful in every way and they make this world a better place. They have an awesome future ๐Ÿ™‚

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  • February 11, 2012 at 10:44 am
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    Tears & Smile ๐Ÿ™‚ These kids sure have a way of cheering us up! Whenever I am down, all I have to do is look at my boys, they always seem to make me smile ๐Ÿ™‚

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  • February 11, 2012 at 4:13 pm
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    First of all, I LOVED this. Secondly, as I read it, I couldn’t help but think that you have a remarkable gift for writing (though I knew that in junior high) and I’m so glad you share it with us.

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