Unshareable thoughts shared.

I’m moody and snappy and irritated beyond all reasonable limits given the relatively happy situation ’round these parts. My thoughts are tilting noticeably to the blackhearted and ugly and I hate that. It’s not who I am.

It’s weird at times to sit here and type away, sharing so much of myself and my family and not really knowing who is reading it. Most days I don’t think about it. Then again, most days I’m sharing safe thoughts and feelings. Not all of my thoughts and feelings are safe though, some of them scare me.

That whole IEP thing, for example. Sure, it was mildly annoying but I didn’t react like it was an annoyance. I reacted like it was a threat or an attack of some sort. I stewed and fumed about it all weekend. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it, getting angry about it again and again. I thought up lots of vicious and cutting things to say to this woman1 who obviously had evil intentions.

Does that sound crazy to you? Yeah, it does to me too. I don’t like the person who thinks those things, who feels that way.

What is at the root of all this? I don’t feel better. It’s been a month since I restarted my Welbutrin and I do not feel better. I should. I want to, oh my god, do I want to. I’m tired of being tired and snappy and having to work so hard to keep focused on the positives.

I’m trying to convince myself that my awareness of my unreasonable moods is evidence that I am getting better. I am just not all the way there yet. But I’m really and truly scared right now that this time it won’t work and that I’m going to feel exhausted and overwhelmed and depressed forever. I’m not supposed to feel this way anymore! I’m supposed to at least be able to feel the freaking breeze on my cheeks.

I know this isn’t rational. I know that I will feel better someday. Maybe tomorrow or maybe the day after that, something will give me the boost I need to get back on the positive side. But there is always that little voice in the deepest part of my brain though that whispers that maybe this time is different. Maybe I won’t ever feel better.

It’s the most hopeless feeling in the world when that voice is louder than anything else.

  1. Who I have never met. []

19 thoughts on “Unshareable thoughts shared.

  • April 7, 2011 at 9:13 am
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    These IEP meetings are soooo stressful, especially when we have to focus on their DISabilities, rather than their abilities, in order to get them the services they need!

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  • April 7, 2011 at 9:24 am
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    Just so you know, we are here for you and always will be… You are opening up so that shows progress, you’ll get there my love! :-*

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  • April 7, 2011 at 9:30 am
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    I can totally relate. I remember thinking I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel when my anxiety was out of control, but I did and you will too. Do you have a good psychiatrist that really knows what medications would be helpful to you? It’s all trial and error when deciding what medication is right and in what dosage.

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  • April 7, 2011 at 9:38 am
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    I don’t, actually, I’ve had pretty terrible luck with psychiatrists and counselors! I have a follow up with my PCP shortly, we just went with what worked last time, and I may need to get a referral.

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  • April 7, 2011 at 9:59 am
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    I just want you to know I love your blog and read it when ever you post it, My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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  • April 7, 2011 at 10:40 am
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    Umma! You spoke my day yesterday! Thank you for sharing. I plan to write a note later to spill the beans about my down day, but when I read your story — once again I knew I was not alone. We as carriers have to take care of ourselves — we have to be strong women so that we can advocate and care for our children. You are so amazing and you have helped me and so many others along the say. As a 52 year old woman who has “been there and done that”, I say call the doctor today. If things were not right with Monkey, would you wait until his next regularly scheduled appointment? I think not. You need to make the call to get started making a switch now! FYI — when I decided to finally take something, my doctor prescribed Zoloft. He said it stands for “Life Lifting” in some language (I don’t remember which). And it has helped me a lot. Yesterday was a situational depression which would have lingered much longer than a day had it not been for my Zoloft. <3 And that is the end of my ranting motherly advice. OX I will end with YOU ARE AMAZING!

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  • April 7, 2011 at 11:26 am
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    i’m so sorry it’s been so rough there. i’m really looking forward to seeing you again this weekend. thinking of you.

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  • April 7, 2011 at 2:24 pm
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    Thanks everyone…you have no idea how nice it is to have so many people who understand. Depression is just a lonely thing but it helps knowing I have so many awesome people in my life. I love you all 🙂

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  • April 7, 2011 at 3:12 pm
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    Thanks for sharing some pretty difficult emotions. I can probably speak for a lot of fx carriers and say, a lot of us battle those same emotions. It takes a stong person to ask for help and yes, we are all strong women. Keep on sharing and keep on healing.

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  • April 7, 2011 at 3:40 pm
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    i’ve never met you … but it was like i wrote that .. a few years ago anyway … you are not alone – sending you hugs

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  • April 7, 2011 at 9:19 pm
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    Sharing these things are hard to do, but I am so glad you did. I have really been struggling myself lately with moodiness and irritability, and I am relieved to know it’s not just me. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. We’ll talk more on Sunday. And if seeing ME doesn’t perk you up, well…I’m sad to say there is simply no hope! lol. (hugs) All joking aside, it will be great to see your fantastic family!

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  • April 7, 2011 at 10:19 pm
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    U r not alone. Those feelings stink! U will not feel like that forever. It will get better. Just keep taking the meds and talking to a counselor helps alot!

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  • April 8, 2011 at 10:54 pm
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    Hey! What’s up on Sunday?

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  • April 8, 2011 at 11:06 pm
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    We’re meeting to plan some LINKS events…fundraisers and some social events. Interested?

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  • April 29, 2011 at 5:56 pm
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    I have 33 and 126 repeats. I started Lexapro 2 months ago and it has in no uncertain terms, changed my life. Keep asking about meds. Talk to you OB (really, the whole ovarian failure BS of permutation females is nothing to be trifled with). Don’t stop till you find what works. You owe it to yourself.
    Michele´s last blog post ..Hell &amp D- part I

    Reply

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