I’m moody and snappy and irritated beyond all reasonable limits given the relatively happy situation ’round these parts. My thoughts are tilting noticeably to the blackhearted and ugly and I hate that. It’s not who I am.
It’s weird at times to sit here and type away, sharing so much of myself and my family and not really knowing who is reading it. Most days I don’t think about it. Then again, most days I’m sharing safe thoughts and feelings. Not all of my thoughts and feelings are safe though, some of them scare me.
That whole IEP thing, for example. Sure, it was mildly annoying but I didn’t react like it was an annoyance. I reacted like it was a threat or an attack of some sort. I stewed and fumed about it all weekend. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it, getting angry about it again and again. I thought up lots of vicious and cutting things to say to this woman1 who obviously had evil intentions.
Does that sound crazy to you? Yeah, it does to me too. I don’t like the person who thinks those things, who feels that way.
What is at the root of all this? I don’t feel better. It’s been a month since I restarted my Welbutrin and I do not feel better. I should. I want to, oh my god, do I want to. I’m tired of being tired and snappy and having to work so hard to keep focused on the positives.
I’m trying to convince myself that my awareness of my unreasonable moods is evidence that I am getting better. I am just not all the way there yet. But I’m really and truly scared right now that this time it won’t work and that I’m going to feel exhausted and overwhelmed and depressed forever. I’m not supposed to feel this way anymore! I’m supposed to at least be able to feel the freaking breeze on my cheeks.
I know this isn’t rational. I know that I will feel better someday. Maybe tomorrow or maybe the day after that, something will give me the boost I need to get back on the positive side. But there is always that little voice in the deepest part of my brain though that whispers that maybe this time is different. Maybe I won’t ever feel better.
It’s the most hopeless feeling in the world when that voice is louder than anything else.
- Who I have never met. [↩]