just deleted it without posting?
I am having a very bad day emotionally today. I was triggered by two silly situations and I vomited it all upon the screen, proofed it and agreed that all the emotions were appropriately described. I dug deep into a lot of personal issues about my childhood, being picked on and being the sibling of a child with special needs and how that colors the way I parent. Then I tried to come to some conclusions and could not. I even managed to offend myself with some of the thoughts I was having, which takes a special talent, I think.
So I’ve decided to make a long story short (and to try to avoid making anyone uncomfortable with my raging mental illness) and do a bulleted list of why I having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
- I am not a talented hair stylist;
- Monkey’s only pair of sandals are trashed and he has only sneakers to wear;
- Little kids say mean things;
- Mean things stick for decades sometimes;
- Not everyone thinks different is beautiful;
- People are judgy, especially other parents; and,
- I do not handle criticism well, in fact, if feels like judgement.
Normally, I’d say something trite about needing chocolate but I’m so raw and weepy that even thinking it pissed me off at myself. *Sigh* Now that is definitely a bad sign.
I don’t handle criticism well either. I think it may have to do with being a fx carrier or maybe it’s just a wonder character trait we share. Criticism either makes me want to lash out irrationally or curl into a ball and bawl. I hate those days when everything seems to go everyone elses way but mine. It sounds crazy but when it gets rough I curl up with a good coloring book and enjoy the simplicity and busyness of it.
I’ve never thought of coloring! I always used to turn to puzzles but with Monkey running around that’s just not really an option. Sometimes I’ll do an easy Sudoku or bury my nose in a book. Anything to occupy my mind and clear my head.
I understand; I have some pretty crazy emotions that are often accompanied crazy thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if the emotions that I have are similar to other people, or if they are indeed related to FX. It’s very hard to judge that, because I’ve never not been a FX carrier! I have days where I wish that I could just isolate myself from the rest of the world…for the rest of my life.
Okay, enough info on that 😉
Beth, I used to love to color in coloring books! I tried it recently, and found that it was causing an aching pain in my wrist/arm. There went that joy.
I also love puzzles. I would work on a puzzle everyday if time permitted. After we are completely moved into our house, I plan on setting up an area where I can always have a puzzle going. A good game of chess would also be relaxing, but nobody else in the family shares the same enthusiasm for that. Playing on the computer just isn’t the same.
I’m not a talented hair stylist either, and kids do say mean things.
I have these days too. Days I wish life could stop long enough for me to sob for a few days. And it’s funny (not really) the things that can trigger it. I usually think of, “this too, shall pass.” Then I think, “yeah, but not til heaven.” Hang in there, friend.
It’s the neverending part that’s getting to me right now. I know it’s all the little things that WILL pass…I just know there is a never ending supply of little things coming at me!