I often wonder what it is like for Caleb when he doesn’t have the words he needs. Fortunately, he’s a fairly calm kid who deals with frustration well…he basically dismisses it entirely. He did not get that from me. When I am frustrated I am quiet too but I don’t dismiss it, I stuff it alllll down until I explode…mostly over the wrong things. The explosion helps, but it’s not very healthy.
Right now, I don’t have the words I need. My life has been twisted inside out and the last two months in particular have been awful…full of grief and anxiety. Full of fear. This past weekend my gorgeous, funny, loving BFF was here. We both needed the time together, her life hasn’t been any easier than mine lately. I knew I needed the time and I was holding myself together until she got here and then I thought I would fall apart. But the most amazing thing happened, I suddenly discovered I could breath again. The knots loosened, the feeling that there was a fist in my chest squeezing my heart and lungs just…disappeared.
By the time I got home after dropping her off at the airport though, it was all back. It’s crushing me now…maybe it was before too but before it had built slowly…this felt like a ton of bricks coming down on me. I know I need to do something. I need to find a way to fix this. I find ways to be awesome for Caleb and to make him happy, I wish I knew how to be awesome for me. All I know is to stuff it down, ignore it, cover it over, hide from it…I have a million different ways to do it but it doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t make me happy, I miss being happy.