I confuse myself.

Sometimes I think my depression diagnosis is just flat wrong. I think a lot of people might think that because I’m the queen of the Public Face. I am good at hiding the fact that often I can’t say what I need to, I harbor unshareable thoughts and put out a shiny face because that’s how I cope. It’s how I keep taking step after step after fucking step.

I’ll tell you a secret though…I’m the mom of a beautiful boy, a boy I love more than anything…more than anyone…and sometimes I would give anything to be able to go back and do something, anything, to make it the way it was supposed to be.

Can I tell you another secret? Tomorrow, or perhaps even in an hour, I will want to slap myself for even thinking that because this is the way it was supposed to be. He is the child he was meant to be. I have the life, the friends, the husband, the child that I was meant to have and I love them all…I can’t imagine my life without any of them.

So, when you read here and get confused by my near constant cheerful posts and my random black-hearted posts, know this…they’re all true. I am exactly as happy and as pissed off as it seems at any given moment. Now, take a second to consider that and think about what it’s like in my head.

That should cheer you right the hell up πŸ˜‰

 

29 thoughts on “I confuse myself.

  • October 25, 2011 at 1:05 pm
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    Bi-polar…the whole lot of us…

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm
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    Well, shit. I already share a brain with Duhdee (and hardly ever get custody) now I have to share it with YOU TOO?

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:26 pm
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    Well…that makes me look forward to dinner next week, lol. I get it. And I get the feeling awful for even thinking that you “sometimes” wish it were different. I believe we all feel it, even if we can’t admit it. We can all still love our lives and our families and friends and never want them to ever think otherwise, but there are those times when too much is just too much…there is the pity party. I allow myself to have it when I need to because pretending it isn’t hard is not going to help. Nathan has been melting down every fucking time he transitions, even from my car to the house, and I can definitely say those stream of days are INCREDIBLY HARD. I did plenty of bedroom crying this weekend, oh well. We go for the STX 209 on Thursday, he needs to re-do the ECG, and we are leaving with the pills. I will say for the hundreth time, we better not get the placebo!

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:27 pm
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    If anyone deserves the full dose, it’s you guys πŸ˜‰ 4 months and you’ll have it for sure, right?? We still can’t get through Dr. Nasir…

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:29 pm
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    I’ll add another secret…every super mega awesome outing we have…ends in tears when we get home. It does not matter what, when, where…EVERY trip ends in tears. I just don’t take pictures of that part.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:30 pm
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    He has not said that precisely. But we need to make a change to C’s anxiety meds…we want to find something that is study compatible. We need to check with him again to see if he’s talked to Mark yet.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:30 pm
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    Don’t you just feel like you should be able to fix it? I think that is the hardest for me. I just want to fix it all and I can’t accept that I can’t…control issues much?

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:33 pm
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    Yes! Even when I know what is wrong, which seems like less than half the damn time, I still can’t fix it. He sat in my lap and sobbed on Saturday night. He could tell me he was sad but there was not a thing to do except let him wipe his nose on my shirt and hug my neck.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm
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    Dinner is going to be SO fun. We haven’t yet decided who’s turn it is to meltdown. Maybe we should draw straws!

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  • October 25, 2011 at 1:54 pm
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    Wow, I can so relate. I’m an expert at hiding what a often really want to say/think.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 3:27 pm
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    We have to decide where we are going, or was it figured the Cheesecake Factory again? And it will be lots of fun. It was a great idea to pick a consistent date, no back and forth.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 3:30 pm
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    I’m fine with repeating the Cheesecake Factory…I’m sure I can something in their book/menu! One of these days I’d like to go to the Melting Pot but I’d like to drive it in the daylight the first time so I don’t get so anxious about driving.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 3:42 pm
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    well, we will just have to add another outing in between the evening ones, just for the sake of helping you not be anxious, lol. I hate driving at night places I am unsure of. Maybe with the husbands???

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  • October 25, 2011 at 3:47 pm
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    I can totally relate! Yesterday was a long, hard day. I laid in bed last night in tears because I just sometimes get so tired and feel like I don’t want to spend my life dealing with special needs kids. Then I feel guilty. But, I also can’t imagine not having them in my life. After these last couple of days maybe it will not be so hard to drop them off at preschool tomorrow!:) Tomorrow is their first day! I had the pleasure of dealing with a woman who desperately needs work on her people skills at the office on Upton Street when I dropped of their paper work today. Looking forward to seeing you on the 2nd.

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  • October 25, 2011 at 3:52 pm
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    Tomorrow!! Yay and boo all at the same time, Christy Cobler Avlasov! I was so angry when I had to give Caleb to the school system at 3…he was still my baby and it wasn’t FAIR. There are a lot of people in the district who need to work on their people skills. I’ve been hearing some complaints about the Upton school on the e-mail list, people are feeling very isolated since there are only a couple preschool classes there right now. Whenever you’re ready you should let us know and have breakfast with Eric and I after drop off πŸ™‚

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  • October 25, 2011 at 3:53 pm
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    OK, I’m liking that…idea but if we bring the husbands don’t we have to bring the kids too? Not that it isn’t perfectly relaxing to have dinner with the little monster πŸ˜‰

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  • October 25, 2011 at 6:20 pm
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    Umma, I don’t recall saying anything about bringing children…or is the husband the monster who will be ill behaved and throw up on the table? Justbwanted to clarify! Christy Cobler Avlasov, so excited for your family to start the school years. It is hard, but they will love it and adjust more quickly than you will. Just wait till you get the mothers day projects…melt your heart!

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  • October 25, 2011 at 6:33 pm
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    “life is just a bowl of cherries” whether u are diagnosed with depression or not, we all have “funny” thoughts going through our minds about our situations. And even sometimes us “normal” people cry for no reason at all sometimes even in the shower.

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  • October 26, 2011 at 12:21 pm
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    Oh Umma!!!!! I love you!

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  • October 26, 2011 at 2:31 pm
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    Thanks Paula! The feeling is mutual πŸ™‚

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