Sometimes I think my depression diagnosis is just flat wrong. I think a lot of people might think that because I’m the queen of the Public Face. I am good at hiding the fact that often I can’t say what I need to, I harbor unshareable thoughts and put out a shiny face because that’s how I cope. It’s how I keep taking step after step after fucking step.
I’ll tell you a secret though…I’m the mom of a beautiful boy, a boy I love more than anything…more than anyone…and sometimes I would give anything to be able to go back and do something, anything, to make it the way it was supposed to be.
Can I tell you another secret? Tomorrow, or perhaps even in an hour, I will want to slap myself for even thinking that because this is the way it was supposed to be. He is the child he was meant to be. I have the life, the friends, the husband, the child that I was meant to have and I love them all…I can’t imagine my life without any of them.
So, when you read here and get confused by my near constant cheerful posts and my random black-hearted posts, know this…they’re all true. I am exactly as happy and as pissed off as it seems at any given moment. Now, take a second to consider that and think about what it’s like in my head.
That should cheer you right the hell up 😉