I have a confession.

I am super, super, super excited about Miami. That’s not much of a confession, is it? Bear with me…you should know by now that it takes me a while to get to the point…when I have a point, that is. I think I do have one this time but you’ll have to read to the end to find out1.

Our experience at the Detroit conference in 2010 was so amazing and it brought us fully into the fold of the fragile X community. It was a huge turning point for Eric and I both. I wasn’t as graceful in my transition as Eric but I’ve come around to the point where a whole lot of “will never”s and “over my dead body”s have morphed into realities…the one that hasn’t yet…is now in the realm of “possibly, maybe, OK but give me a little bit longer?”

OK, now we get to the confession part…Detroit was pretty overwhelming for me emotionally and I’m getting really, really, really anxious about Miami. On the one hand, I’m way more prepared for the conference. I know what to expect and I have some amazing IRL friends who will be there this time. I have a place in the community now, I don’t feel like I’m on the edges waiting nervously for someone to say, “Oh, HI! I’m so happy you’re here!”

But.

Writing this blog makes me feel naked. Only a very few people in Detroit were able to connect my actual being to this…this…insanity. I outed myself last year because I decided it was time to own my story. It didn’t seem fair for me to preach connectedness and community and friendship when I was still hiding so much of myself. After so carefully keeping our faces and names and location hidden I said, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and blew the whole thing up. Probably after a couple glasses of Riesling.

So.

Now there’s a whole bunch of new people who I am absolutely, over-the-moon, excited to meet and this time they actually know who I am and that I want to meet them so I’m not a creeper in the corner trying to make eye contact in a non-stalkerish manner while I silently stalk them.  That should make it easier, right? But…it kinda makes it worse.

Now I’m consumed with a whole different set of anxieties…the main one is this…you guys are all so2 cool. I am in awe of your stories, your resilience, your determination to make things happen…I feel unworthy. I feel like you’ll be disappointed when you meet me and see that I really am just a dorky stalker type.

One of my friends (KQ) keeps referring to the “cool kids club” which at first made me sigh and dream of the lost days of my high school popularity (HA! Fellow KHSers will get this joke, as soon as they figure out who the fuck I am) and wish I could be one of them. Then she gave me a “Duh!” look and told me she was talking about my friends…and me. Which made me laugh, then blush, then mumble awkwardly3 and finally…puke…because I am so not a “cool” kid. I’ve never been a cool kid.

I’ve always been the quiet one sitting smack in the middle of the room trying desperately to escape the attention of the cool kids in the back and the teacher at the front. I’m4 shy when meeting new people. I think people maybe forget sometimes that just because I don’t throw up on your shoes5, doesn’t mean I’m not anxious. I’ve been told more than once I’m intimidating, people are afraid to approach me because I’m so aloof but that is alllllll anxiety. I don’t bite, I won’t be mean to you, I’m sure that I want to meet you6 even.

I remember in Detroit in 2010 I really, really, really wanted to meet Kristie (Life with My X Men, Kristie). The final night of the conference, at the banquet, I finally saw her. It nearly killed me to approach her and introduce myself and after getting a photo with her I ran7 back to my table and sat there staring at my husband with huge eyes, shaking. It was that hard.

I know I promised you a point but I don’t really remember what my point was going to be anymore except maybe that I’m way more like you than you probably expect. We probably have very similar insecurities and very similar dialogs running in our heads8. I am going to try to be less awkward and be more…crap…I don’t even know what my options are though drunk is sounding pretty good right now *sigh*

 

  1. TEASER! []
  2. FUCKING []
  3. I do everything awkwardly, you will see. []
  4. very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very []
  5. I have not done this since my 21st birthday, I swear []
  6. I typed meat and did not catch it until the 3rd review. Let us be clear, I will not meat you, that is another promise! []
  7. awkwardly []
  8. That is meant to be comforting, BTW, not scary. []

40 thoughts on “I have a confession.

  • July 16, 2012 at 1:45 pm
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    First, I am so sad you won’t be “meating” me 🙂 (no one really gets my sense of humor any more). Secondly, from my personal perspective, once we are in Miami, we are all on equal ground. We are sailing on the same ship….wherever it docks, that is where we shall be 🙂 Oh, and THE BAR IS OPEN!!!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:50 pm
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    See, that’s what I think too…we’re all weirdos and genetic mutants (not necessarily connected) but I also remember going to Detroit and being very much ZOMFG when I recognized people. I swear to you, helping Mrs. Rogers with her Blackberry was one of the most surreal experiences ever…

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm
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    Are you feeling up to be “surreal” again??? Cause, I’ll probably need more help ;/

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm
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    I’m out of practice on the BB…that’s why you need to upgrade to an iPHONE!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm
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    Please remember, above all…..you are an awesome Mom, and I am an awesome Mom too. Nuff said 🙂

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm
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    When I saw the new “Knowledge Center” I was this close to going out and buying an IPAD, bringing it with me and having you help me with it. I am dreaming if I think we will have that much time ;(

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm
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    I put all the sessions and events into my calendar last night so I’ll have them on my iPhone or iPad and…yeah…it’s not looking good for the extra time but you could come sit with me at the merchandise table!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm
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    I’m still going to hug and kiss you…….because that’s how I roll…I’ll probably scream really loudly too….just to draw attention to you! 😉

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:55 pm
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    I very nearly posted Jenna Marbles White girls in the club video but it was too vulgar even for me but the white girl scream…yeah…I see it happening.

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  • July 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm
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    Paula Di Fabio Fasciano–That’s cause you’re a Honey Badger like me 🙂 (and M)

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm
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    OMG. You guys are too funny. I have barely even looked at the agenda and don’t think I’ll even have time until the day before the conference. Too many things going to prepare for visitors and its my first time having a table at the conference. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Just hoping that I will have time to hang out and chat with some of you before having to rush home.

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm
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    OK I didn’t read the thread (so I can’t say if I’m repeating or not) but OMG if you only knew how in awe of you, all of you, I am. My son doesn’t have FX (although Autism hasn’t been ruled out yet) and yet you have all friended me (OK so M and I went to KHS together and it was/is through her I have met all of you and love (yes I said LOVE) that I have and that you all include me (even better have friended me! Some days I just sit here reading your posts, blogs, etc. I feel like the one on the outside. I want to meet all of you, see all of you but right now I don’t get that chance (not until we have some sort of gathering her in the New England area (M we should get on that;) So anywho please know that I love each and every one of you I support you and all that you do and continue to do daily for yourself, your child(ren), your families and for others. You (all) inspire me daily (and that includes you too M even though you may not feel it when I see pics of C or posts about C or video’s of C (oh how we love those video’s), I am just amazed at everything. I can’t even speak anymore I am so in Awe (I’ll admit it I am getting teary eyed too just thinking about it all). Know that I love each and every one of you and your families I am so happy to be a part of this community and to cheer you all on! XOXOXOXO

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm
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    Rosie Perez–I will be working the registration table on Wednesday, so I BETTER GET TO SEE YOU!!! So excited you will get to visit Mrs. Rogers Neighborhood this year 🙂

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:11 pm
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    Ha! I thanked God for helping me not throw up on my shoes when I forced you and Holly and Amy to pose for a picture with me in DC!!! I think you’ve once again captured how most of us carriers feel. <3

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm
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    No tears Nicole! I’m sure you are also a super mom! Cindi Rogers, I’ll be there since Wednesday morning so I am sure I will see you!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm
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    OH thank god Rosie Perez, I was beginning to think I was the only one who wasn’t studying the agenda! I’ll be looking at it I’m sure on the plane if I’m lucky or by pool in Key Largo after way too many drinks! I’m a big time procrastinator! And Melissa Welin, you hide your anxieties well!!! I can’t wait to see everyone I met in DC and so many more that I’ve come to love online.

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:48 pm
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    Funny girl Angie! I was so excited to meet you! I avoid cameras mostly so you know I was feeling the <3 if I willingly got in front of one with you!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:50 pm
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    Thanks for posting! I’m so excited to go but SOOOOO nervous! I’ll be the one shaking in the corner. LOL!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 2:51 pm
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    Then let me be the first to say, Krissy…”HI! I’m so glad you’re here!!” <3

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  • July 16, 2012 at 6:26 pm
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    First of all, thank you for being so honest Melissa! If I were going I’m not sure if I would be shaking in the corner or running up and hugging you like a long lost BFF! Because of FB, I forget that I don’t all of you in real life (with the exception of about 3 people). I think I handled meeting Cindi pretty well last year….although I was in complete awe 🙂 I’m so glad you shared your thoughts since I think everyone is feeling this way. Btw, Karen Mayes and I are plotting to get to 2014 conference! I hope we don’t have to wait that long to meet everyone though….slumber party in NC anyone?!

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  • July 16, 2012 at 6:44 pm
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    Thanks Erin, you are cleared for hugging, lol. I’d love to visit NC, I used to spend every weekend I could spare (pre-Eric Welin, pre-Caleb) in NC. I favored the beaches but loved the mountains too. What about DC? Have the two of you considered coming to Advocacy Day? That’s only March 🙂

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  • July 16, 2012 at 7:09 pm
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    Wicked big EVIL laugh!!! -> I wasn’t as graceful in my transition as Eric but I’ve come around to the point where a whole lot of “will never”s and “over my dead body”s have morphed into realities…the one that hasn’t yet…is now in the realm of “possibly, maybe, OK but give me a little bit longer?”

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  • July 16, 2012 at 10:51 pm
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    I feel a little left out that I have the wrong profile pic… But it will still be great to meet (meat) everyone 🙂

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  • July 16, 2012 at 10:52 pm
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    And we wonder at how fixated our kids can get on something? And here we all are making all our profiles match 😉

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  • July 17, 2012 at 5:47 pm
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    Reading all this makes me so sad that I cannot be there to meet all of you. I feel like you are all celebrities and I want your autographs! Can you just get a FXS t-shirt, all of you sign and send it to me so I feel, at least, slightly part of the fun you guys are having without me. Oh, green is not a good color for me…
    Rachael´s last blog post ..The Return

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  • July 18, 2012 at 11:17 am
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    Rachel, your comment made me laugh so hard I feel COMPELLED to make this happen, lol.

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  • July 18, 2012 at 11:39 am
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    🙂 I remember that! And I still have the pic to prove we actually DID meet. Maybe this year we can have an actual converstion. 🙂 And I am the EXACT same way about introducing myself to people. I remember going to Cindi’s session and seeing Paula F. and only saying hi! I mean, I felt like I knew her, but I am just too awkward to strike up an intelligent conversation sometimes. Love you!

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  • July 18, 2012 at 11:42 am
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    Oh, Melissa, I feel like throwing up just reading this, and I am definitely crying! I am also shaking just understanding the fears and anxieties that you describe! I, too, have been described as aloof and stuck up by people who just don’t get that I am shy. Reading similar posts in the past, I tried to put myself out there in DC this year, to approach people who seemed to be alone or uncomfortable. That in itself was empowering. It felt really good to put myself out there, and yet, there are still so many that I never met! Maybe we need to have a receiving line at the conference!

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  • July 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm
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    I am soo excited to meet everyone at this convention !!! At the first convention I went to 10 years ago I met Cindi & what an inspiration back then, now she is even more amazing !!! Met Holly 2 years ago in Detroit and she is just amazing also, so proud to be a part of this organization and in the same “Boat Of Life “. Looking forward to meeting Melissa & Eric and everyone else. What an inspiration you all have been to us 🙂

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  • July 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm
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    Sharing the same anxieties – Can’t wait to get to Miami and walk into a room full of people…yikes! Really – I can’t wait to meet more FX parents and kids! It’s coming fast. See you all soon!

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  • July 18, 2012 at 4:15 pm
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    Kristie…an actual conversation, are you NUTS?? 😉 I have that picture too or a picture at least…I totally have no idea how I got it. You probably sent it to me because I don’t remember even having my camera!

    As I read through all the responses, I am realizing we’re all freaks in such similar ways and I <3 you all for it!

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  • July 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm
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    Also, Kristie, now that you’ve said that Paula is so going to hug you. Fair warning.

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  • July 20, 2012 at 7:30 am
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    Melissa, I’ve been told the same thing before, that the way that I am (because of anxiety) comes across as me being aloof or snobby but really I’m just worried and make it very hard to make new friends. I am so excited about the conference, but I’m terrified I will end up sitting in a corner by myself scared to talk to anyone. Maybe knowing I’m not alone in this fear will give me the courage to come up and say hi to you and others who I want to meet in real life so much!

    Reply

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