So that feeling of not being unhappy but also not being *happy* is still lingering. The other night Duhdee started picking at me because I’m all closed up, I get that way sometimes. He pointed out that I’d been like this for longer than I had thought. I told him that I thought it was the stress of the work presentation and that I was surprised it hadn’t lifted once the presentation was completed. He agreed.
This is the conversation that followed…
Duhdee…”What are you thinking?”
“I dunno. I’ve been spending a lot of time on the computer, haven’t I?”
“Yeah. You’re fine most of the day but after he goes to bed…”
“I don’t want to think. I’m mentally exhausted. I just keep looking for things to do so I don’t have to think.”
“What have you been thinking about?”
“I’ve been thinking about babies…”
End conversation, start deep breathing exercises and then find something else to think about. Oh so productive, I’m sure Duhdee was impressed that I totally closed down and refused to talk anymore.
But it was productive. Our neighbor (Cupcake’s mommy!) announced, a little over a week ago, that she’s pregnant with number two and we are so happy for her. My secretary is pregnant with her first, she has the pregnancy glow and her tummy is now very prominent…she looks so happy. So that feeling? It’s grief. No matter how happy I am for them, and I am seriously thrilled for them both, I can’t help but grieve for what Duhdee and I have lost.
It always surprises me when this rears it’s ugly head. Each time I work through it I think I’ve finally, really and truly, worked through it this time. I’m beginning to realize that this is just part of who I am and it is going to be part of my life forever.
There are no magic pills to take away the sting of no more bio babies, maybe no more babies period. There is no wand to wave away the pain of realizing there will be no grandkids. There’s only hard work to find a way to be OK with the loss and, even then, I’ll still have to continue the work everytime it comes back to the surface. It feels a bit like an endless slog at the moment.
I hate grief.