Sometimes, I’m really dense.

So that feeling of not being unhappy but also not being *happy* is still lingering.  The other night Duhdee started picking at me because I’m all closed up, I get that way sometimes.  He pointed out that I’d been like this for longer than I had thought.  I told him that I thought it was the stress of the work presentation and that I was surprised it hadn’t lifted once the presentation was completed.   He agreed. 

This is the conversation that followed…

Duhdee…”What are you thinking?”

“I dunno.  I’ve been spending a lot of time on the computer, haven’t I?”

“Yeah.  You’re fine most of the day but after he goes to bed…”

“I don’t want to think.  I’m mentally exhausted.  I just keep looking for things to do so I don’t have to think.” 

“What have you been thinking about?”

*GULP* *Tears* 

“I’ve been thinking about babies…” 

End conversation, start deep breathing exercises and then find something else to think about.  Oh so productive, I’m sure Duhdee was impressed that I totally closed down and refused to talk anymore.

But it was productive.  Our neighbor (Cupcake’s mommy!) announced, a little over a week ago, that she’s pregnant with number two and we are so happy for her.  My secretary is pregnant with her first, she has the pregnancy glow and her tummy is now very prominent…she looks so happy.  So that feeling?  It’s grief.  No matter how happy I am for them, and I am seriously thrilled for them both, I can’t help but grieve for what Duhdee and I have lost.

It always surprises me when this rears it’s ugly head.  Each time I work through it I think I’ve finally, really and truly, worked through it this time.  I’m beginning to realize that this is just part of who I am and it is going to be part of my life forever. 

There are no magic pills to take away the sting of no more bio babies, maybe no more babies period.  There is no wand to wave away the pain of realizing there will be no grandkids.  There’s only hard work to find a way to be OK with the loss and, even then, I’ll still have to continue the work everytime it comes back to the surface.  It feels a bit like an endless slog at the moment.

I hate grief.

6 thoughts on “Sometimes, I’m really dense.

  • February 3, 2009 at 9:41 am

    Grammy had the feeling that was happening but didn’t want to bring it up unless you did. Our support is always there in whatever your plans will be for the future.

    XOXOXO’s to the both of you and hope Duhdee is comforting as best as he can be.

    I know nothing will replace the feeling of another pregnancy especially without knowing all the facts that you both now know.

  • February 3, 2009 at 11:12 am

    Thanks to both of you.


    Duhdee is being fantastic as always. You raised a good egg for sure.

  • February 3, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    I know that feeling.. as my youngest is approaching two I have been thinking about more babies and the fact that I can’t have anymore.. I know that I am blessed to have the boys but a part of my wanted more.

  • February 4, 2009 at 7:53 am

    I am so sorry to pry.. But did you have POF? I worry that that might happen to me and we are talking about IVF-PGD, even if I am not ready now I might freeze some eggs. I was just curious if there is a reason that is not an option for you? The thought of me not having another one makes me cry.. Joel says he would be happy if Holly was an Only Child, but I want more.


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