Month: February 2009

Monkey is being such a little star these days.

Let me share some funny stories, all from today:

This morning at 6 AM Monkey came into our room, crawled into bed between us and settled in for his morning cuddle.  While he was laying there I heard him quietly say the name of one of the little girls in his class.  Twice.  Then he dozed off again.  Lovestruck?

While Monkey and I were waiting for Duhdee to clear the snow off the truck this morning before school, Monkey asked to sit in the driver’s seat of the truck.  He loves to pretend to drive.  He also loves to crank the volume on the radio, turn on the blinkers, turn on the windshield washers and put the truck into 4 wheel drive, lol.  He was being very good this morning and resisted the temptation of all those buttons.  When Duhdee reached the back of the truck to clean off the rear window, however, Monkey reached out and put his finger on the button to turn on the rear windshield wiper.  If he pressed the button not only was it going to freak Dudhee out but it would probably also spray Duhdee with washer fluid.  From the way he looked at me out of the corner of his eye and grinned at me, I’m pretty sure he knew all this too, lol.  When I told him “No” he quickly found something else to do.   The grin on his face still has me chuckling though.

After school today he walked up the front steps grabbed the snow shovel and proceeded to shovel our (already cleared) sidewalk.  When he finished that chore he then tried to convince Duhdee that it was time to get out the snowblower.  Duhdee is going to be fighting Monkey for control of that machine before long!

And, finally, this afternoon Monkey was prowling in the pantry and he noticed that someone (Duhdee actually confessed to doing this!) had left the sugar bowl on the wrong shelf.  He opened the sugar bowl, licked his finger, stuck it in the suger and ate it, lol.  For some reason Duhdee let him repeat this trick at least once more before getting up and moving the bowl to a higher shelf.  Monkey then ran, grabbed his stool so he could reach the higher shelf and grabbed himself another taste of sugar.  I’ll let Duhdee try to defend allowing this since he was the primary parent at the time, lol.

Today is a good reminder of how good our lives really are.

It was the stopwatch!  Monkey has been playing with it and he discovered a well hidden feature, the hourly alarm.  OMFG.  Despite the fact that we have the owner’s manual, Duhdee had to ask Professor Google how to disarm it.  Even those directions were wrong but they were close enough that Duhdee was able to figure it out.

That stopwatch is seriously out to kill us.  I always suspected that it was slowing down while we were on our runs.  I guess now that we aren’t running (too cold, too icy) it’s switched tactics.

So that feeling of not being unhappy but also not being *happy* is still lingering.  The other night Duhdee started picking at me because I’m all closed up, I get that way sometimes.  He pointed out that I’d been like this for longer than I had thought.  I told him that I thought it was the stress of the work presentation and that I was surprised it hadn’t lifted once the presentation was completed.   He agreed. 

This is the conversation that followed…

Duhdee…”What are you thinking?”

“I dunno.  I’ve been spending a lot of time on the computer, haven’t I?”

“Yeah.  You’re fine most of the day but after he goes to bed…”

“I don’t want to think.  I’m mentally exhausted.  I just keep looking for things to do so I don’t have to think.” 

“What have you been thinking about?”

*GULP* *Tears* 

“I’ve been thinking about babies…” 

End conversation, start deep breathing exercises and then find something else to think about.  Oh so productive, I’m sure Duhdee was impressed that I totally closed down and refused to talk anymore.

But it was productive.  Our neighbor (Cupcake’s mommy!) announced, a little over a week ago, that she’s pregnant with number two and we are so happy for her.  My secretary is pregnant with her first, she has the pregnancy glow and her tummy is now very prominent…she looks so happy.  So that feeling?  It’s grief.  No matter how happy I am for them, and I am seriously thrilled for them both, I can’t help but grieve for what Duhdee and I have lost.

It always surprises me when this rears it’s ugly head.  Each time I work through it I think I’ve finally, really and truly, worked through it this time.  I’m beginning to realize that this is just part of who I am and it is going to be part of my life forever. 

There are no magic pills to take away the sting of no more bio babies, maybe no more babies period.  There is no wand to wave away the pain of realizing there will be no grandkids.  There’s only hard work to find a way to be OK with the loss and, even then, I’ll still have to continue the work everytime it comes back to the surface.  It feels a bit like an endless slog at the moment.

I hate grief.

Duhdee has this thing…he’ll say “What?” after I speak to him.  Most times I will repeat myself but other times I will just stand and look at him until he is able to repeat what I’d just said to him.  I think our house has some magical echo that only Duhdee can hear, lol.

I was amused to see that Duhdee’s on-line “hearing” is just as sketchy.

[11:04] Umma: i think we need cinnamon
[11:05] Duhdee: say what?
[11:08] Umma: i think we need cinnamon
[11:08] Duhdee: oh
[11:08] Duhdee: gotcha
[11:08] Duhdee: lol

We don’t, btw, need cinnamon.  He already bought more. A good reminder of why I keep him around.

I have no excuse.  I am just mentally exhausted for no apparent reason.  Yes, work was stressful the last two weeks but I normally bounce back pretty quickly.  Poor Duhdee keeps asking me what is wrong and telling me I seem “off.” I can’t put my finger on anything though.  I’m just tired and while I’m not unhappy I’m also not happy.  Very odd, even for me.