So you want to be on the local news?

So you want to be on the local news?

Here, let me tell you how…

  1. Have the world’s most perfect, adorable baby.
  2. Find out that the world’s most perfect, adorable baby has fragile X syndrome.
  3. Fall into a years long depression, battle incessantly with anxiety…bonus points for adding a BIG HEAPING DOSE of guilt to that load.
  4. Meet some amazing, inspirational people…decide to be more like them, if you can.
  5. Find a drug that doesn’t cure your child but does make his life (and yours) a hell of a lot easier.
  6. Celebrate the joy of being a little more normal for FOUR LONG MONTHS! Dare to dream of things you long gave up on.
  7. Lose it all, in the blink of an eye.

Easy, peasy…except for the near constant stress of steps 1-5 and 7…it’s terrific fun! Sure, there’s weight gain (yay, stress eating), headaches, mental & emotional exhaustion, nightmares and a revisiting of that bastard depression but it’s all worth it for a nearly 2 1/2 minutes of video footage on the local news, right?

I wish I had stopped at step 6, in fact, I’d do anything to go back to step 6. That’s not going to happen for us. We have lost what we had and at this time there is no way to get it back. We’ve tried everything we know…we’ve begged, we’ve lobbied, we’ve shared our stories far and wide. And still…there is no going back.

Or…you can try this instead:

1. Buy a roomba.
2. Dress a cat like a shark.


(this story followed ours on the newscast)

That sounds way more fun, eh? I’d try that 2nd option first if you get a choice.

Quick, do the math! <3

Eight years…how can it be only eight years that we’ve been married? I feel as though we have lived an entire lifetime, maybe two, together already. I remember when we first met and I said, “No, I’m not dating you. You are too young.” What I really meant, though, was “I’m too crazy. You’re too good. Run far, far away.”

I think maybe that’s how you won me over. You agreed with my rules, you agreed that we should never date…and then you wormed your way into my heart when I wasn’t paying attention. Suddenly I had a new best friend, who called to talk every night, who drove hours and hours to come visit me, who knew me better than I knew myself. I would have been scared or angry and probably messed it all up but you knew just the right time to break it to me. We were in love. Damn it!

Once we passed that point, it was full steam ahead. You proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that you loved me and that I would always be safe with you when you cried with me over the unexpected miscarriage. I thought you should have run. It was too soon for any rational couple to go down that path and yet…it broke our hearts…losing something we didn’t know we wanted. I remember telling you that it wasn’t fair to lose something when we had just begun to get excited. And you agreed, it wasn’t and instead of running you held me and told me we could have it again.

I’m not sure I’ve ever told you this but, I’m glad we didn’t elope to Vegas and get married by Elvis. You were right. I’m glad we had the chance to stand together, in front of friends and family, to start our forever. I needed that moment to acknowledge to you and to myself that I was done pushing you to run. I needed that moment to look in your eyes and tell you I loved you…in good times and in bad.

We couldn’t know then how amazing the good times would be or how awful the bad times would be but I wouldn’t give up a second of any of it. Good and bad, it doesn’t matter, it makes me love you more either way. Happy anniversary, honey.

The consequences could be worse.

The consequences could be worse.

Do you ever have a moment when you get a little cocky as a parent? When you think you know your child so well that you know what they would do in any given circumstance? Put that way, anyone who says yes is nuts, in my opinion!

Alas, I fall victim to this from time to time. Early on I learned that offering choices makes life a lot easier with my (no so) little Monkey. Shortly after learning this lesson I learned another one, always make sure that ALL of the choices you offer are acceptable choices! That was a hard learned lesson. I never promise anything I can’t deliver…and sometimes I deliver more than I thought I could. I like those moments. Those are the moments I look like a hero. Those are the moments that make C’s face light up with joy, like when he asks for a jet pack and I pull out the inflatable wings from his Buzz Lightyear costume that had been abandoned in the basement without ever being worn for its intended purpose (Halloween.) I live for those moments.

I’ve become so accustomed to giving him choices that anything that I truly don’t care about…he gets to pick. Wide open. “Caleb, pick a cereal.” I don’t care, I won’t eat it. If I think he won’t like what he chooses I’ll tell him but it’s his choice. I even let him pick my clothes. He’s got good taste and as long as he’s picking from my “work” clothes…meh…it doesn’t matter to me. He’s gotten so used to dressing me that sometimes, when I get dressed without consulting him, he will grab my elbow and guide me back to the bedroom and fix whatever I got wrong. Usually everything. I think he’s just being oppositional, personally…I thought I looked fine.

There are some things I let him pick that I do actually care about, and that’s when I give him limited options. “Caleb, which ice cream? Cookie dough or S’mores?” Sure, I have a preference but either will work and if it keeps him from bolting to the front of the grocery store to stare at the people in the self check-out line? Win. Especially since he is like a shark circling and darts in to steal their receipts as soon as they print. Poor schmucks never even know what hit them…they just see a whirl of curly hair buzz by them and hear “I did it!” fading into the distance. Fortunately, most people are very nice when I walk sheepishly over to them with the receipt in hand. *sigh*

There are some things that I let him pick that I do actually care about, and I always give him the same options. “Caleb, which deodorant for Mommy? Blue or Pink?” He always, always, always, always picks pink, which is fine. I don’t mind smelling all flowery and girly. Last week, Mommy got distracted while at the drug store…I don’t know what it was, probably Facebook, maybe texts or e-mail…it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that Mommy was not present when she presented the choices.

 “Caleb, which deodorant for Mommy?”

“White.” And he shoved two sticks in my hands, which is when I put the phone down…my choices, though not given verbally, were either I take the deodorant or watch it fall on the ground.

“Uh, what?”

“White. All done! Good job! Good job!”

Huh. OK. White it is. “Good job, buddy!”

 

How bad could it be? You know what white is? Not baby powder, which I could have dealt with. Nope…it’s vanilla. I smell like a freaking cookie. It’s the one scent guaranteed to make my stomach growl in hunger every damn time I catch a whiff.

There are worse consequences though. Maybe next time Mommy will pay full attention when she’s offering up choices and not assume he will always, always, always do anything.

Simply amazed…

Simply amazed…

Eric relayed the following story to me when they picked me up after work.

Caleb’s teacher (who is awesomeness, dipped in awesomesauce…she came to hang out with Caleb Monday after school so we could go to volunteer training for the fragile X clinic!) has been working with him on not blurting out questions…also on his quiet voice (*snort* I’m not sure he has a quiet voice!) They’ve been working on him raising his hand and waiting to be called on before he answers or asks a question. Today, this happened at snack:

Caleb raises his hand, “A question, I have a question.”

After being called on, “I want some chips, please?”

After being told no on the chips, “Doritos? ‘Ritos?”

After being told no on the Doritos, “Frrruit Snacks?”

After being told no on the fruit snacks too he was offered a choice, which he answered in a disappointed tone, ‘Goldfish.”

So many things about this are amazing, the impulse control, the quiet voice, the polite requests and acceptance of the refusals…but NONE of those are as amazing to me as this.

Someone said no to C.A.L.E.B. CALEB!

I bow down to his teacher. That kid would have ended up with chips, ‘ritos, fruit snacks and, most likely, “10 dollahs?” to boot if he’d been asking me…

Want to see something else amazing?

A thank you note to us and an I’ll miss you note to Caleb from his teacher. And this is his gen ed teacher, not the one who came to hang out with him for a few extra hours in her spare time…yeah, he’s a pretty special kid.

Balancing hope.

Balancing hope.

Have you ever read, “Flowers for Algernon?” I remember reading it in middle school.

“The story is told through a series of journal entries written by the story’s protagonist, Charlie Gordon, a man with an IQ of 68 who works a menial job as a janitor in a factory. He is selected to undergo an experimental surgical technique to increase his intelligence. The technique had already been successfully tested on Algernon, a laboratory mouse. The surgery on Charlie is also a success and his IQ triples.

As Charlie’s intelligence peaks, Algernon suddenly declines — losing his increased intelligence and mental age, and dying shortly afterward, to be buried in a cheese box in Charlie’s backyard. Charlie discovers that his intelligence increase is also only temporary. He starts to experiment to find out the cause of the flaw in the experiment, which he calls the “Algernon-Gordon Effect”. Just when he finishes his experiments, his intelligence begins to degenerate, to such an extent that he becomes equally as unintelligent as he was before the experiment. Charlie is aware of, and pained by, what is happening to him as he loses his knowledge and his ability to read and write. He tries to get his old job as a janitor back, and tries to revert to normal but he cannot stand the pity from his co-workers, landlady, and Ms. Kinnian. Charlie states he plans to “go away” from New York and move to a new place. His last wish is that someone put flowers on Algernon’s grave.”

From Wikipedia

Can you guess what this does to me? Does it make you want to click on that little “X” up there in the top right? Would you rather pretend this isn’t happening?  Me too. Unfortunately, I can’t pretend.

There are those who are tired of reading about the end of this study. There are those who say I’m scaring people from participating in research. There are those who say that sharing anything but the most hopeful of stories, damages our community.

Here is the issue though…

Participating in research is already scary. As a parent, making the decision to experiment on my child for the greater good…it went against every mothering instinct in my body. And, yet, I did it. I made the choice for him, I gave over his body to science…for progress. To push fragile X research forward.

Dr. Berry-Kravis, who I love, recently said,

“Short of a science miracle (which I, Seaside and families had hoped for), we won’t get everything right the first time. We will stumble and we will fall and we have to just get right back up and be wiser from our mistakes and do it over and over again until it’s right. And every time it’s not just us that falls – it’s all of the families who are our partners. So it’s going to hurt and we feel bad that families have to go through this pain. But that is the nature of making progress in science and you must remember that without you we will not make it to the goal of developing new treatments. (We can’t ever prove it works without you) So we have to ask you to go through this process with us. It’s tiring – maybe even horrifying – to think of the persistence and resilience we will all need as partners to get through all the falls and scrapes as we eventually get over all the hurdles to the finish line!

 

from the NFXF
Call me naive, but I never truly believed that it would end like this. I thought we had to get through the double-blind portion and a brief titrating period and then we would be set. I am, clearly, a supporter of research…I asked last October, “Do you really want a cure?

“No study participants=No data=No cure!

All the lab results or money in the world won’t get us past this.”

It was true then and it is true now. If we stop participating there will never be a cure. The community cannot stop participating. But, we should have been openly talking about this part of participating in a trial. We should be going into these trials, not with just hope filled eyes but, with practicality and realistic expectations. If I had known that this might end this way, would I have still done it?

I don’t know. I can’t know because I based my decision on things that I only thought were true.

Do I regret it? That is an entirely different question and to that I say, not for one second. I know what is inside him now. What is breaking my heart is that we are going to lose it. We are going to lose it not because it isn’t safe – if it weren’t safe there would be no question I would be banging down the clinic door telling them to get him off it right now. We aren’t losing it because it doesn’t work – if it didn’t work I would have already moved on.  It is safe and it works and we are still losing it when we were told we wouldn’t lose it. How was I to know it was a possibility if we (FX community “we”) don’t ever talk about it?

So here we have a whole bunch of families, heartbroken over this sudden loss. If we had gone into this, believing that it would end…we would not be here. I would be sharing the Flowers for Algernon summary as an argument for more research. I would be arguing for more fragile X awareness. I would be telling you that although it breaks my heart to go through this, to put him through it, that it just means we need to keep moving forward.

Instead, while all of those things are true, I’m left fighting for my child. MY CHILD and not my community. I’m left standing here saying “It’s not fair! You told me we could keep it! GIVE IT BACK! I’m left feeling helpless, heartbroken and abandoned by people I thought were helping us. When I hear that I just need to keep moving, keep hoping, keep participating right now…I have only one response…one finger.

Is that fair to those who are saying…but they were allowed to end the trial or not every trial is successful? Probably not.

But was it fair to paint nothing but a rosy picture and make promises that weren’t entirely true? Definitely not. Going into this with such high hopes and unrealistic expectations has broken my trust.

So please…please…please…participate in research. What I want you to learn from my heartbreak is this…

We have long suspected that there is more inside our children than we were seeing…and IT IS TRUE. There is so much more in there just waiting to break out…but it won’t happen unless we make the sacrifices. We can’t just wait, we have to take risks.

But I also want you to learn this…

It is a risk. It is one worth taking but it is a risk. Go in with your eyes open and your hopes realistic. There is so much room for hope based on what we and other families saw.

I need to rebuild that hope within myself right now. That doesn’t mean “stop” it just means…be careful with your hopes and dreams because they’re precious and the loss has been almost unbearable.

Every day…

Every day…

Every day, he makes me laugh. A dozen times a day he says something to make me laugh and I think…I don’t want to forget this, I should blog this. Yet, I’m too busy soaking up his awesomeness…filling up my tank…just in case. Just in case…

We haven’t started titrating down yet. We may be the last…our appointment was on Friday but I had to cancel it. When people ask, and I tell them…I get this look of pity. Even my husband gently asked me what I thought was going to happen. Nothing. I get it. Nothing will stop this, nothing.

But…

It is asking too much. That we take him from school early, when all the fun end of the year stuff is happening. That Eric’s sister has to give up hours of her very little free time/time off to come and sit with Grampy. Grampy who is home from rehab, but who needs lots of attention. It was asking too much.

And now that I sit here, pondering making another appointment…it is still asking too much.

To ask me to go there and hand back the medication that has opened up the world to my boy, the medication that has taken that sparkle in his eye and brought it forth so it can be shared with the world, the medication that has enabled him to learn more easily…it is asking too damn much.

I feel so helpless and furious and sad…it’s all too much…I have a mother’s heart, one that is immeasurably strong in many ways but also so, so fragile. Asking me to break my own heart. It’s just too much.

Fragile X and Autism Families for STX209

Fragile X and Autism Families for STX209

Hey everyone, if you’ve missed it, the fragile X parents have been blowing up social and traditional media talking about the sudden termination of the STX209 extension trial we are participating in. We have our date to visit our clinic, turn over our supply of medication and get a titration package…it’s so nice to be able to watch the ax descend in slow motion right after they pull the rug out from under your feet. Yep, that was sarcasm…it’s back…but leaning a bit towards the mean side due to that simmering pile of rage sitting in my stomach.

I’ve had a few people ask me why we are fighting for a drug that failed the latest trial. *sigh* It sounds perfectly reasonable to stop spending money on a drug that failed doesn’t it? Even I would agree that when you have limited resources, you shouldn’t keep throwing them at a solution that does not work.

But here’s the thing…the drug didn’t fail. It didn’t. And, no, I’m not calling the headline writers liars. They have limited space to work with and “Autism drug fails” fits a lot better than, say…

“Autism drug fails to meet the primary endpoint chosen for this study but met several secondary endpoints which the FDA completely disregards because they are an archaic, lumbering beast of an organization that doesn’t know how to handle drugs for such complex, spectrum disorders.”

So…they aren’t liars…but the headlines don’t tell the whole story. Just as the “primary endpoint” doesn’t tell the whole story of a drug’s effectiveness.

The drug failed to meet the primary endpoint of the study. The primary endpoint which must be chosen by the company, per the current FDA rules, becomes the BE ALL and END ALL for a drug. So, if you pick social anxiety and not enough participants who received the drug have a statistically relevant improvement in social anxiety…you fail. EVEN IF, you saw statistically relevant improvements in the secondary endpoints. You have to pick a NEW endpoint and spend millions and millions of dollars more to see if you can meet that new primary endpoint. Wash, rinse, repeat.

The drug “failed” but the process was heavily stacked against it. The process should be protecting the sick and vulnerable, not standing between them and the drugs they thrive on.

So, that’s why we are fighting so hard for a drug that “failed.”

On the fragile X side…it has already cleared this efficacy phase (Phase II) and had moved on to the dosage efficacy phase (Phase III) which is all about figuring out how much to give each patient to treat their symptoms. So on the fragile X side…where I am sitting…this is even more of an awful development because we are *THIS* close to getting through. And it might still, if they got lucky and get the data they need they’ll go to the FDA and try to finish the process. In the meantime, kids like mine, who are proof that this does work, are left hanging…fingers crossed that they did get lucky and fingers crossed that the rest of the process will be done at some point and fingers crossed we don’t experience a total regression in his developmental and educational process.

That’s some tough crap to ask a mom to tolerate…our future relying on *fingers crossed* when there is something, right now, that works.

Which is why a few parents have decided that we want the world to stop and rewind. No? Fine, we want Roche Pharmaceuticals to rewind. We want them to revisit their business decision and PUT THE KIDS FIRST…put them before the dollars…where they belong.

And thus, Fragile X and Autism Families for STX209 was born. Please read our stories and share them…please help us get the word out so we can convince Roche that pulling their support was not the right decision…at least not for the many, many families who’s lives are being turned upside down and inside out by that decision.

Please click on the image and like the page on Facebook. Then read stories of kids who need this medication!

There are two petitions circulating as well to get out the story…please sign the petitions if you haven’t already!

Change.org (click on the image to go to the petition):

The White House (click on the image to go to the petition):

Thank you for all of the love and support, it’s what is keeping us focused and moving!

How did we get here? (A short-ish summary.)

How did we get here? (A short-ish summary.)

It turns out the whole world hasn’t been hanging on my every word! Who knew? What follows is a short version of how we got to where we are at the moment…

On May 15, 2013 Seaside Therapeutics, Inc., the sponsor of a drug trial my 9 year old son Caleb is participating in, sent a communication to clinics involved in the administration of the Phase III study stating the following:

“We regret to inform you that Study 209FX303 [An Open-Label Extension Study to Evaluate the Safety, Tolerability, and Pharmacokinetics of STX209 (arbaclofen) in subjects with Fragile X Syndrome] is being terminated immediately. The closure of the study is due to resource limitations at Seaside Theraputics, Inc., and is not related to any known safety issues in patients dosed with STX209.”

Thus began our latest challenge. In case you’re a first time visitor, Caleb has fragile X syndrome. Fragile X syndrome (FXS) is the most common known cause of inherited intellectual disability. It is caused by the mutation of a single gene. A single gene that controls the production of a protein referred to as FMRP. This protein, most commonly found in the brain, is essential for normal cognitive function.

As the name implies, the mutation is carried on the X chromosome. I passed along my X chromosome with the unstable expansion. The risk of my passing on that chromosome (since I have two of them and only one is unstable) was 50/50. The risk of that unstable chromosome expanding to a “full mutation,” wherein the gene is turned off and the FMRP is not made, was nearly 100%. I had no idea I was a carrier, I was unwittingly playing Russian roulette with my child’s life.

I lost.

We first noticed that my son had delays when he was 12 months old and not babbling. He was eerily silent except for crying or his amazing belly laughs. We were referred to our local Early Intervention program, which provides services to children, under age 3, with delays. Caleb was 16 months old when he began receiving services. We were all expecting that he would catch up to other kids his age with a little extra help.

Then at age 22 months, we received the news that he had fragile X syndrome. We now knew that he wouldn’t catch up, in fact, he would continue to lag further and further behind his peers. There were no drugs approved for treating fragile X, and there still are not, but even then researchers were optimistic that they could find some sort of targeted treatment for the underlying mechanism. That was 7 long years ago.

Seaside Therapeutics, based in Cambridge, MA, began testing a drug that would do what researchers had long hoped to accomplish. The results from the double blind placebo controlled study were so promising that parents begged for and were granted an extension trial. During the extension each child would take the actual drug and further gains or side effects would be monitored.

When the first extension trial reached its end, desperate parents requested that the company continue to make this drug available to their children. Seaside told parents they would continue the extension trials until FDA approval was granted. Parents were able to take a breath, the drug was working and the supply would continue.

My son participated in the Phase III double blind, placebo controlled study last fall. In January we signed up for a 25 month extension. We were told that if the Phase III results, due the fall of 2013, were positive, they would seek FDA approval to market STX209. I noticed changes in my son both during the trial and the extension. I noticed increased eye contact and more speech most clearly. I was afraid to believe in the changes, I was concerned that I had fallen victim to the placebo effect and was seeing only what I wanted. During one of our many, many school meetings, his teacher and several of his therapists made observations that backed up what I was seeing. I was elated.

My son continued to improve over the spring, we did things I never thought we would do. We flew together to IL for a fundraiser, leaving his father behind, and he did fantastic. He enjoyed himself so much that he has been asking to go back since we got home. During the trip he was meeting a lot of new people; he spent a great deal of time in crowded situations. This is where I noticed that his social anxiety, the primary target for this trial, was so much improved.

He began playing with toys appropriately and not just imitating what he had seen on TV or with other kids. He began planning, he searched a Toys R Us catalog, found a NERF gun he wanted and asked for it. Let me rephrase, he begged for it. When I finally caved and let him have the NERF gun, he was able to navigate the store and search through 4 separate NERF displays to locate the gun he wanted. He did this independently. He began answering direct questions appropriately. Whereas he used to throw out any answer or word when asked a question just to stop the questioning, he now answers the question. Not always the way I’m anticipating but this new skill has allowed him to show off his sense of humor too.

Some ask me, how do I know that the changes aren’t the result of normal development? I don’t know, I suppose, not for certain, but his improvements have come on so quickly it would seem terribly coincidental that they just happened to occur after he started this drug. I wrote about his amazing progress here. Then in April, an article I wrote was published in the Bay State Parent Magazine, a local monthly. The article, “Hoping For Too Much?” shared the highlights of our experiences to that point. I ended that article with this:

“He’s changing faster than I can dream new dreams.”

And now, after 4 months of ever growing dreams, it is all being taken away. I’ve been working with some of the parents of the over 350 kids on this cancelled extension trying to find out why this happened, how this happened but, more importantly, how do we stop it from happening?

We have lobbied politicians, we have reached out to local and national media outlets, we have reached out to the company and our friends. We have gotten nowhere. We are still facing having to give up a medication that has been shown to be effective in children with fragile X (that is what the Phase II trial is for) when there are no other alternatives on the market.

There are other drugs being studied but not every child qualifies for these other studies. Besides that, how many times should a young child have to go through one of these trials? How many times do we have to pin him down for blood draws, put him through the stress of evaluations and miss school? It was so hard to sign up for this trial, but I did it out of hope that good would come of it. The sacrifices were worth it to keep research moving forward and to give our son a chance to shine as we had watched with other participants.

Now I feel that those 4 months were a tantalizing taste of what could be, it feels so cruel to take it away from him and from our family. Just imagine how hard it will be to watch him struggle with things he can do now. How hard will it be to watch him struggle and know there is something out there, beyond our reach, that would help him?

I don’t yet know what is next. I’m holding on to a slim hope that if we continue reaching out and publicizing the situation, we may be able to convince Roche Pharmaceuticals, which previously provided funds to Seaside, to provide the money needed to reinstate the extension trial, to complete the rest of the necessary phases of the trial and get the drug on the market. I cannot yet give up on that hope.

Every day as I hand him the pills I dread the day when I’ll have to stop. That day is fast approaching. I don’t know how to explain to him that Seaside and Roche didn’t think he was worth the cost. How do I explain any of this to him? He’s NINE, he’s a baby! I can’t explain any of this to him because it doesn’t make any sense. This just shouldn’t be allowed, not here in a country with so many resources.