Last night, as I was getting Monkey ready for bed, he looked me right in the eye and his face lit up. It was one of those perfect moments when I just knew that he loves and trusts me implicitly. Naturally, I burst into tears and after putting him down for the night I spent hours crying. Why?
Today, after much agonizing, we are starting C’s Celexa washout period. And so it begins…3 weeks of gradually reduced anxiety medication, 4 weeks of no anxiety medication and then we see if we qualify for the STX209 trial. There is no guarantee that he will qualify. If he doesn’t, that is 7 weeks of heightened anxiety for no benefit to anyone. If he does qualify, it will mean 4 1/2 months of … well … we don’t know. Maybe placebo, maybe partial doses of the study drug, maybe a full dose.
Why are we doing this? Hope. Hope that this will help him more than the Celexa has. Hope that this will help a whole lot of other kids someday. Sometimes hope is a beautiful thing and sometimes hope is swollen eyes and an aching heart. Sometimes hope is a desperate decision to just do it, even when you aren’t sure you want to.
Right now the only thing I am sure of is that I am so fucking tired of having to make decisions like this.
If you want to read more details about what is involved in the STX209 trial, read this post from last September: