I am so with it.

Today is September 21 and I just figured out why I’ve been in a rotten, low down, hide under the covers mood for the last two weeks. No one has ever accused me of being overly bright.

I don’t want to remember that day. I tried really hard to avoid all the anniversary coverage but it was not possible. I really just want to pretend it, and the 6 months following, never happened. It was before Monkey, before Duhdee…it has nothing to do with my life anymore. I’m hoping that by acknowledging that the shock and fear and stress that sent me into a downward spiral, which ultimately left me hospitalized, were real…will let me crawl back out of this hole.

It’s like…I am this great big ball of AWESOME1 but inside is still this teeny, dark seed of misery. I keep hoping will just die if I don’t feed it. So I take my happy pills and I turn my attention to other, much more important stuff and the AWESOME rules. Then I think, “Surely it’s gone now!” and peek.

Dude, I’m that idiot in horror movies who just HAS to open the basement door because it’s been quiet for SO long, surely the ax murderer is gone! D’oh! *sigh*

For those of you who are unaware…depression, it sucks donkey butt. That’s all.

**And I wasn’t going to publish this because *WAHHHH!* but also because it’s still hard to admit…if it’s hard to admit it needs to be dragged out into the light because…feeling ashamed of being depressed is more depressing than just being depressed.**

  1. the most humble sort awesome, of course. []

10 thoughts on “I am so with it.

  • September 21, 2011 at 11:36 am
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    :-* I love you always and forever!

    Reply
  • September 21, 2011 at 12:02 pm
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    You are an amazing woman! Being so open and honest with how you feel has got to help with all that you go through. I am cyber hugging you now and I promise a full one on October 3rd!

    Reply
  • September 21, 2011 at 12:11 pm
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    I want a fullllll course of BANFF! 😉

    Reply
  • September 21, 2011 at 12:19 pm
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    Can’t see the forest when you’re so close to the tree – every January I’d think “wtf is wrong with me, why am I a miserable bastard?” then realize eventually it was the month my dad died! And I swear I did it EVERY! YEAR! That was 20 years ago so by now I’m FINE in January….at least I think…. ; )

    Reply
  • September 23, 2011 at 1:15 pm
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    You are amazing and bold! And wise. That’s right, I’d like to officially accuse you of being overly bright. 😉
    Bonnie´s last blog post ..Guesting

    Reply

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