It’s been 6 weeks since I whined about breaking my wisdom tooth and I’m JUST going to get them out tomorrow. I sure do know how to stall 😉 The plan has been slightly modified, only 3 of the 4 are coming out, much to the oral surgeon’s disappointment. I know I’ll be miserable for the next few days or so but I’m rather looking forward to being able to chew using the right side of my mouth again….someday.
The little things.
One thing, of many, that I love about my son is how easy he is to please.
Is he bored with his toys? Get a large cardboard box. He will play in and with it until it is no longer identifiably a box but appears to be just a piece of ratty cardboard.
If you want to make his morning? Take him for a ride on the bus.
If you need something to amuse him so you can do outdoor chores? Use the hose to make a puddle on the driveway.
Having trouble getting him to eat ((This is not a common occurence, the boy loves his food, but when he is stressed by visitors it does happen))? Sit on the floor with him and call it a picnic.
He doesn’t want to settle down for the night? Ask him if he wants to sleep on the floor, it will be lights out in no time.
Blow bubbles, get out the vaccum cleaner, convince one of the dogs (but not both at once!) to play “fetch,” pull up a train video on YouTube, lay on the lawn and watch the airplanes…any one of these things will make his face (and my heart) light up with joy.
It really is all about the little things. It’s taken me an awful long time to learn this and I might not ever have done so without him showing the way.
Coping skills.
Monkey has developed a coping skill which I find rather amusing. I may have mentioned it before in regards to Great Grampy but his is expanding on his repetoire.
When Great Grampy addresses Monkey, or makes eye contact, Monkey will immediately point to the sky. He used to then sign “airplane” but he can now say “plane.” He would do this every time he saw Great Grampy whether there was an actual plane visible or not ((More often than not there is a plane visible. Depending on the weather, planes taking off from Logan will fly over the neighborhood and planes waiting to land will be in holding patterns overhead.)) This has been going on for ages.
This morning I saw him alter his plan. We met one of our neighbors at the bus stop as we were on our way to school. She spoke to him a few times and he hid his head shyly behind me. While we were waiting he decided to sit on the bench a few feet away from me. When she addressed him again there was no Umma to hide behind so he shouted “Look!” while pointing behind her. She turned to look but there was nothing of note there so I asked him what we were looking at and he told us “bird.” When she turned to him again he repeated the whole process again only this time he said “Look! Truck!” and there was indeed a truck. He’s getting so creative in his coping skills.
Redirecting people’s attention away from himself is a great way to ease his anxiety and now that he’s actually finding things for them to look at it counts as increased social skills in my book 🙂
What is this?
Monkey has passed some sort of developmental milestone(s) recently but I’m not sure I can put the changes into words to explain why I’m just so excited and amazed by him these days.
First, there is the language. He is repeating just about everything we say these days. Duhdee called him a “punk” for some little prank he pulled this weekend and Monkey immediately piped in “Punk!” very clearly. He is saying words we didn’t even know he knew….words that we don’t typically use. An example…he walked through the dining room this weekend, looked up at the wall and said “clock” as he passed by…it happens at least once a day. He is very clearly saying “I want …”
Beyond the words though there is the inflection. He is putting an appropriate amount of emotion behind his words. Example, if there is something under the couch he will say “Look under,” and point. If we are going over the massive bridge into Maine he will shout and gesture. “LOOOOK!” He’s also using more appropriate facial expressions. There was something on the top of the refrigerator that he wanted and he look at me while he was gesturing to it and raised his eyebrows. If we are asking him yes or no questions he responds appropriately and he puts varying levels of excitement into his voice depending on what we’re asking.
This morning, while he was eating breakfast, I pointed at each of the photos in the built-in hutch and asked him who or what questions and he answered them all. He was so engaged that I grabbed a stack of flash cards (that he has refused to even look at for ages) and we went through the entire stack. He was answering a variety of questions. Things he didn’t know he would look at me and wait for me to tell him what it was. If he told me the wrong answer (fox instead of dog) I would correct him ((There was one I didn’t correct, I showed him a picture of a girl and he said “Umma” :-D)) and he’d repeat the right answer. He never once told me all done. He was ENJOYING himself and smiling. He looked quite proud of himself.
He is demonstrating his long term memory. An example, on Saturday he pointed to the top of Duhdee’s desk and signed “Broken.” I saw that he was pointing toward his Thomas engine and picked it up, Duhdee confirmed that it was broken. BUT, he has two so I suggested we go look for the other one. He has two bins of train gear, one with engines and cars and another with track. I pointed at the one with the engines in it and asked him if it was in there and he told me no. I, of course, looked anyway and he was right. I asked him if it was in the other bin and he just watched me and sure enough it was buried under pieces of track. Another example, in the past, when he had trouble sleeping, I would bring him to the couch with me and we’d set up camp there with pillows and blankets. It’s been ages since we have done this. This weekend he turned it into a game. He told me he wanted me to cover him with his blanket but then ran to his room. I thought he wanted his big Thomas blanket too and he agreed to that. I grabbed it and left the room expecting him to follow me but he was no where to be seen. I went back to his room and he was just ready to leave. He looked at me and said “Pillow, bear.” He’d stayed to grab the rest of the necessary gear 🙂 I let him lay down on the couch and he told me to lay down. I laid down and he looked and told me pillow and blanket. I went to grab mine and joined him. Then he told me to close the drapes, lol. The next day he made Duhdee do all the same things.
So this is all really long winded and a lot of it sounds like pretty basic stuff that he’s done in the past but there is something more. There seems to be an added purpose in his words and actions. There seems to be more maturity. I guess maybe you would have to see it ((or be his Mommy)) to fully appreciate it 🙂
Oh, also, this morning when we were discussing the pictures I pointed to one of my wedding 
photos. He said “boat,” which was right but I pointed at my back and said “This is Mama.” He then repeated, clear as day, “Mama.” It gave me chills, I don’t mind being Umma…but I do love being Mama. Duhdee has been working on “Mommy” with him too. I’ll pass out from the cuteness when he gets that one 😉
A poop dialogue.
The scene: A lovely Memorial Day morning, Umma and Duhdee are sitting at the dining room table planning the week’s menu. Monkey walks by pulling down his pants.
Umma: Do you need help buddy? (Gets up to help Monkey sit down on the toilet.)
Monkey: Dee!
U: Duhdee, Monkey wants you.
Duhdee: Do you want a book?
M: Yes.
D: Do you want “Brown Bear?”
M: No! All DONE! Egg! (points at bum as he is pooping.)
(Umma returns to her seat and listens)
D: You pooped!
M: Egg.
D: You want an egg ((He wants a leftover plastic Easter Egg from his basket. Yes, he still has leftover candy from Easter…Umma the Easter Bunny goes a little nuts with the candy))?
M: Yyyyyyessss!
D: Ok, you can have an egg after you are done.
M: Water!
D: Yes, the poop is in the water.
M: Splash!
D: Yes, the it went splash in the water.
M: Egg. (Toilet is flushed.)
Fin.
A Monkey thwarted is not pretty.
We have a new development at school. It appears that Monkey is not a fan of taking turns. The teachers have spoiled him rotten and now they are paying the consequences.
What has happened is that, when Monkey began his language explosion back in December, the staff in the classroom bent over backwards to respond to his every word. They did all they could to avoid saying no to him. Whatever word he used, whatever request he made, was honored. Now that the newness of that has worn off they are now saying no to him or asking him to wait. He is not impressed.
He’s just like Umma too, when he’s mad, he cries…he looks absolutely pitiful. They’re feeling pretty bad about it but he’s just going to have to get used to a classroom that doesn’t revolve around him 😉
Swine Flu
Our school district has had confirmed cases of swine flu for the last week. Monkey’s school now has confirmed cases of swine flu. Today, Monkey had diarrhea so the nurse wants him to stay home from school tomorrow. I do sort of wish he’d had it at home, though I know for a fact Duhdee is thrilled he didn’t have to clean it up, so we could have seen it for ourselves. Loose stools in FX are common, Monkey has struggled with it in the past…I wonder if the school nurse is aware of that fact. Probably not, eh? Duhdee couldn’t tell if he had a temperature because he’d just come in from the playground and the 80+ degree heat.
Ah, well…we’ll watch him for other symptoms. I know Monkey doesn’t mind starting the long weekend early…let’s just hope he’s not truly sick.
**Edited to add** He seems fine. We’ll load him up on fiber and hopefully send him back to school next Tuesday with the BM issue resolved.
***Edited again to add*** He is fine. He’s home with Duhdee playing in the yard.
Today is a very special day.
Twenty-nine years ago my best friend, and the love of my life, was born. People are often startled when they hear how young he is given how maturely and responsibly he behaves. He has more inner strength and character than anyone I’ve ever met and I am so blessed to be his wife.
Happy Birthday Honey!
The public face.
I’ve written before (here, here and here) about my struggles with depression. It’s not something I enjoy talking about. I’m not embarrassed by it, I just have a hard time explaining it to people who haven’t experienced it so it’s just easier to not bother. Also, it’s not like it comes up in casual conversation. Most people don’t know when I’m struggling because I’ve become very good at maintaining my “public face.” I do it out of habit and out of necessity but it is exhausting.
Pretending that you are “fine” when you have a heavy weight the size of your fist in your chest is hard work. Smiling and talking when you would rather just sit and stare at a wall is hard work. Cuddling and loving your darling son after a very long day of wearing your mask is hard work. Eventually that mask has to crumble, it’s not possible to go on day after day and not get worn out..to not get emptied out, emotionally. It’s not possible to keep taking hit after hit emotionally and keep your balance. Sooner or later you hit a tipping point. I have hit mine.
I can’t tell you precisely when the slide started, depression is sneaky like that. It has always been cyclical for me…I slide, I struggle, I rebound. Twice I’ve struggled to the point that I sought outside help but for the most part I’ve been able to get through it. It is very hard for me to ask for help. I always assume it will get better and, eventually, it does.
I assumed that is what would happen this time too. There is no reason for it not to. I am very happily married, I have a son I love more than life itself, I have a good job, our finances are good, our future looks bright. There are, of course, issues…everyone has them they’re part of life but there are no issues I would expect to tip me off balance. In the past, when I’ve needed help, there have been major outside issues that influenced my emotional state…stress, fear, hurt, loneliness, etc. None of that is true this time so I assumed this would be one of the lower points but that I would ultimately be OK.
Somehow though this turned into something bigger. The slide did not stop. I began to wonder if this feeling would ever start to lift. I withdrew emotionally into a shell, the only pieces that seemed to escape were bright flashes of anger and frustration and shame. I knew I was not at my best but I had lost the ability to see myself clearly and to see how withdrawn I had become. I started to feel hopeless. I would think about the many long years ahead of me and wonder how I could possibly live like this year after year.
I would come home from work and go through the motions until Monkey was in bed. I used up every ounce of my energy getting through a work day and being his mom. I wasn’t always successful, either, which broke my heart. He has enough struggle in his life, he does not need a frustrated and short-tempered mom. Once he was in bed, I turned off. I would sit and mindlessly surf the internet or I would escape to our bed with a book. I would read or surf until I couldn’t keep my eyes open a moment longer, which often took until 1 or 2 AM , and then fall asleep. I wasn’t being a very good wife. Poor Duhdee was left with nothing of me but the worst bits.
Duhdee watched on helplessly throughout all of this. He suggested a few times that maybe I should see my Dr. and I agreed but I put it off. He would talk to me about feeling shut out and I felt awful about it. I would spend a few days or weeks doing better, being better, and I would even start to think maybe I was going to bounce back. It was all just too much work and I couldn’t maintain it. I would slide right back to where I had started. That feeling of hopelessness grew because I could not dig myself out, no matter how I tried. The feeling of letting down my husband and son was so incredibly painful to me.
Last month, Duhdee approached me again. This up and down struggle had been going on for almost a year now and he was reaching his breaking point. He sat me down and told me how he was feeling and I got angry. I wasn’t angry because he was wrong or being unreasonable but because he was right. Not very rational, I know, but I felt guilty and I immediately tried to justify myself and shift blame. A lesser man would have let the next few days blow up into a fight, possibly into one of those fights that marriages don’t fully recover from if they recover at all.
Fortunately for me, I was able to see through all my anger and see what an effect my emotional state was having on our family. He reassured me that I was not neglecting Monkey, that I was still being a good mommy to him. I knew though that I was not being the best mommy I could be. I finally decided that Duhdee and Monkey deserved better. I called my Dr. and had a physical. I asked her for a referral to a psychiatrist. I managed to keep that appointment despite the fact that I was willing to do almost anything to avoid it.
The Dr. had read my history, he knew about Monkey’s diagnosis and he knew a bit about FX. All of this set me at ease. He ran through one of those depression checklists and I was experiencing nearly every single symptom short of suicidal ideation. He looked at me and told me “You’re having a very difficult time right now. You are struggling and you do not need to be.” It was like an explosion in my head. I was sitting in that chair because I knew Duhdee and Monkey deserved better than what they were getting from me but it had not ever crossed my mind that I deserved better too. I told the Dr. I was tired of the ups and downs. I was tired of feeling like life was such hard work.
He has prescribed b.uproprion which is a generic version of W.ellbutrin. I’ve been taking it for just over a week today and I feel better. I felt better as soon as I left his office, in fact. Obviously it’s not the medication, it’s what he said to me as I left.
He said, “When you come in here in six weeks you are going to feel better. When I ask you if you are feeling better you will say “Yes.” When I ask you when you started feeling better you will not know when.”
That right there? It’s hope. It’s what will get me through until the medication can take over.
I told my mom last Sunday that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s not quite true but I can sense it. It’s sort of like standing on the platform waiting for the train to emerge from the tunnel. If you are paying attention, you will know the train is coming long before you hear it, long before you see the lights. You will be able to feel the light breeze it creates, as it rushes toward you, caressing your cheeks.