I’ve been having an argument with myself for several weeks. The circus is back in town and Caleb wants to go. He asks to go to the circus several times a week and I keep telling him, “Not today.”
He no longer remembers his first trip to the circus, how could he…just look at him!
He wasn’t quite 3. We knew he had fragile X but I don’t think it had fully set in what this would mean for him…for us. We still thought we could make a decision to go to the circus, sit through the show with friends and their little girl, and then go home with an overpriced light saber or inflatable animal on a stick.
Caleb didn’t make it through the door before the tears began falling. I think the first notes of the introductory song were played before we ran. Maybe not. He was crying and miserable. We were miserable and shocked. We stood outside for 45 minutes in the cold hoping to get him back in the tent, then we left for home feeling bruised and raw. Never again, we agreed.
Now, six years, later we have a little boy who thinks a circus looks like fun! He even went to one happily last year with his class. Why on earth would we not take him this time? Because last year his class scored tickets to the single sensory friendly circus performance in the 6 week run…this year they did not request them early enough.
This year there will be no Circus of the Senses, this year it’s full on performance or nothing. Eric and I were pretty firmly on the side of “nothing” but I’m wavering. Yes, it’s a lot of money…to sit on an aisle, near an exit, away from the band will cost us $100/ticket. If you have kids with fragile X or autism you know that these aren’t “wish list” items but requirements. Yes, it might be a total failure, we might not even make it through the door at all this time. But he wants to go and I hate saying no to him if I can say yes. Not because he’s spoiled (though you may have a valid argument for that) but because he doesn’t ask for much…and because I never want to be the one standing in his way.
But this is still a no…that he wants to go is enough to make me feel like an ass for saying no but it’s not enough to erase that memory of the red faced, crying child who was arching his back in a frantic effort to escape while Eric and I held him tightly. I keep telling myself that he doesn’t really know what he is asking for, it’s not the quiet, lights up version with all of his best buds.
As logical as that may be, it doesn’t stop my heart from breaking every time he looks at me smiling and says hopefully, “Circus?”
Man do I “get” this …
You’re human and a mom all wrapped in one beautiful shell.
The circus required a lot of prep for Parker, special seats in the press box so he could stand and jump and flap, headphones, pictures before and 2 circus visits for his sister just in case Parker never made it inside.
I’d have to look back but I believe he was in 3rd or 4th grade. It was (minus the bag of popcorn that was thrown at the people below us & the ridiculous amount of money spent on concessions and merchandise) a success by Parker’s terms. He had fun, made it start to finish mostly on my lap and no one was hurt! The best thing I bought was the DVD they sold that he watched for weeks on end after.
I don’t know what the right answer is for C but I know we passed on many events after many meltdowns. Some I tried again with time and others have scarred me too much to do again…yet.
Be sure your anxiety can handle it too. And remember it will be back next year too ♥
And when distraction is needed…almost time to go see Holly 🙂
I know I shouldn’t say this because it’s like “the pot calling the kettle black” (because I was scared too), but….don’t let fear be your driver 🙂 Make a plan for making this successful. Set realistic expectations…and most of all, don’t think about the cost. We once paid $300 for a long weekend at a cabin in Aspen, CO, only to come home after 2 days of Jake not eating a single bite (due to anxiety and huge transitions). We figured it out…so will you. This isn’t about HIS fear….is it? <3 Love to both of you cause I know exactly where you are coming from.
Melissa, I’ve had to accept too, that sometimes the brave thing is to say “no.” You’ll know what the best thing is for him, trust him and yourself 😉
Invite one of his “favorite buds” and take them to the circus! Prepare him for the different circus, and go for it. Turn your fear into fierce! <3
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Fear into fierce, love that, Angie!
Maybe you can also prepare a little flip book with pictures like I do for William at Disney. Instead of ride photos, you can laminate photos of the things he will see at the circus.
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Ok so I will say it. Who Caleb is today at almost 9 and who he was at 3 are two different kids. You however are the same , maybe little more fearful in fact.
I say go for it, do the prep work. Ear plugs or head phones. YouTube the circus play it really loud at ur house so he knows music is expected. We do this for Disney rides.
If you fail at least you tried. You may have to try again in 6 more yrs!
Above all else don’t let FX hold you back. As my Mutant Ninja Turtle tells me all the time ( when I think “we” can’t handle something )
“Mumma, you have to learn to trust ME”
If you’re willing to try, I’m willing to give it a shot with Ivan. If everyone falls apart, we can go get Subway and get ice cream.
Christy…if you want to take Ivan you can totally go with us!
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At the age of 6, my son Andrew desperately wanted to go to a Flyers hockey game. My husband feeling the male bonding experience jumped on it. We talked about it a day before (lots of people, noisy, fun, big) and he was so excited to go. His time at the game lasted 20 minutes. The crowd, noise, and when they scored, the buzzer and crowd reaction set him out of control. My husband ushered him out of the seats while he was screaming and hitting him out of control. He took him right out of the stadium. It was awful, poor guy. Flash forward to now 9 years old. Andrew had said he wanted to go, and he has been handling things much better. So my husband figured he would try it again. They went a few months ago and stayed for the WHOLE game. Lots of Flyers goals and buzzers. He did ask to bring his headphones and used them and had the best time. My advice is DO IT and prepare.
Took my 9 year old last fall. She had a major meltdown after it was all over, but she still remembers it as a fantastic time. Go as early as they open the doors so space is almost empty, and take a lot of trips to the bathroom. In hindsight, we should have left at intermission. Her memories are of a good time. Worth it.
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Dear Melissa,
And what if…? What if he will be ok… for 10 minutes or 15 minutes? That´s a step. That´s positive. That´s a conquest. Keep courage. Trust him. While he is ok, stay. When he is not ok, leave. Simple. No expectations. May be you´ll be surprise… may be not. And what if…?
(You can always come here, to Portugal, were the tiicktes are 1/3 of the price ;))
I was able to find a show with cheaper tickets that meet our requirements…and my husband has agreed to invite 2 of his friends. We have a game plan for if the show is a huge failure so it’s still fun for his friends. I think we’re doing it 🙂 Thank you for the encouragement!
See….there is NOTHING you can’t do!
Dear Melissa,
I´m so glad you are doing it!
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience ;)”
Fingers crossed here from the other side of the Atlantic!
You’re right, Monica…worst case scenario I have a GREAT blog post about the whole nightmare, best case…about the same 😉
This made me cry but only because I can relate. Not with the circus but with other things like going to a movie. David tolerates it now if it’s a movie that will hold his interest but the last time I took Jonathan to a movie was How to Train Your Dragon and my dad and I took turns walking him around the halls of the theater and trying to get him to go back inside to watch the show. He HATED it but he loves movies at home where he can run around and sit and stand and yell and everything he wants to do while still watching a movie he loves.
We have never even TRIED a movie. Even with the walking around and bouncing on a yoga ball he can’t watch a whole movie…nor can I (I have the attention span of a gnat.)
LOL! I enjoy movies myself and my kids do too but mostly at home. I tend to make movie theater outings a special trip for my non-fx son, Nathan, so he can have 1 on 1 mom time.
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