Author: Melissa

Coping skills.

Melissa

Monkey has developed a coping skill which I find rather amusing.  I may have mentioned it before in regards to Great Grampy but his is expanding on his repetoire.

When Great Grampy addresses Monkey, or makes eye contact, Monkey will immediately point to the sky.  He used to then sign “airplane” but he can now say “plane.”  He would do this every time he saw Great Grampy whether there was an actual plane visible or not ((More often than not there is a plane visible.  Depending on the weather, planes taking off from Logan will fly over the neighborhood and planes waiting to land will be in holding patterns overhead.)) This has been going on for ages.

This morning I saw him alter his plan.  We met one of our neighbors at the bus stop as we were on our way to school.  She spoke to him a few times and he hid his head shyly behind me.  While we were waiting he decided to sit on the bench a few feet away from me.  When she addressed him again there was no Umma to hide behind so he shouted “Look!” while pointing behind her.  She turned to look but there was nothing of note there so I asked him what we were looking at and he told us “bird.”  When she turned to him again he repeated the whole process again only this time he said “Look!  Truck!”  and there was indeed a truck.  He’s getting so creative in his coping skills. 

Redirecting people’s attention away from himself is a great way to ease his anxiety and now that he’s actually finding things for them to look at it counts as increased social skills in my book 🙂

What is this?

Melissa

Monkey has passed some sort of developmental milestone(s) recently but I’m not sure I can put the changes into words to explain why I’m just so excited and amazed by him these days.

First, there is the language.  He is repeating just about everything we say these days.  Duhdee called him a “punk” for some little prank he pulled this weekend and Monkey immediately piped in “Punk!”  very clearly.  He is saying words we didn’t even know he knew….words that we don’t typically use.  An example…he walked through the dining room this weekend, looked up at the wall and said “clock” as he passed by…it happens at least once a day.  He is very clearly saying “I want …” 

Beyond the words though there is the inflection.  He is putting an appropriate amount of emotion behind his words.  Example, if there is something under the couch he will say “Look under,” and point.  If we are going over the massive bridge into Maine he will shout and gesture.  “LOOOOK!”  He’s also using more appropriate facial expressions.  There was something on the top of the refrigerator that he wanted and he look at me while he was gesturing to it and raised his eyebrows.  If we are asking him yes or no questions he responds appropriately and he puts varying levels of excitement into his voice depending on what we’re asking. 

This morning, while he was eating breakfast, I pointed at each of the photos in the built-in hutch and asked him who or what questions and he answered them all.   He was so engaged that I grabbed a stack of flash cards (that he has refused to even look at for ages) and we went through the entire stack.  He was answering a variety of questions.  Things he didn’t know he would look at me and wait for me to tell him what it was.  If he told me the wrong answer (fox instead of dog)  I would correct him ((There was one I didn’t correct, I showed him a picture of a girl and he said “Umma” :-D)) and he’d repeat the right answer.  He never once told me all done.  He was ENJOYING himself and smiling.  He looked quite proud of himself.

He is demonstrating his long term memory.  An example, on Saturday he pointed to the top of Duhdee’s desk and signed “Broken.”  I saw that he was pointing toward his Thomas engine and picked it up, Duhdee confirmed that it was broken.  BUT, he has two so I suggested we go look for the other one.  He has two bins of train gear, one with engines and cars and another with track.  I pointed at the one with the engines in it and asked him if it was in there and he told me no.  I, of course, looked anyway and he was right.  I asked him if it was in the other bin and he just watched me and sure enough it was buried under pieces of track.  Another example, in the past, when he had trouble sleeping, I would bring him to the couch with me and we’d set up camp there with pillows and blankets.  It’s been ages since we have done this. This weekend he turned it into a game.  He told me he wanted me to cover him with his blanket but then ran to his room.  I thought he wanted his big Thomas blanket too and he agreed to that.  I grabbed it and left the room expecting him to follow me but he was no where to be seen.  I went back to his room and he was just ready to leave.  He looked at me and said “Pillow, bear.”  He’d stayed to grab the rest of the necessary gear 🙂  I let him lay down on the couch and he told me to lay down.  I laid down and he looked and told me pillow and blanket.  I went to grab mine and joined him.  Then he told me to close the drapes, lol.   The next day he made Duhdee do all the same things.

So this is all really long winded and a lot of it sounds like pretty basic stuff that he’s done in the past but there is something more.  There seems to be an added purpose in his words and actions.  There seems to be more maturity.  I guess maybe you would have to see it ((or be his Mommy)) to fully appreciate it 🙂

Oh, also, this morning when we were discussing the pictures I pointed to one of my wedding photos.  He said “boat,” which was right but I pointed at my back and said “This is Mama.”  He then repeated, clear as day, “Mama.”  It gave me chills, I don’t mind being Umma…but I do love being Mama.  Duhdee has been working on “Mommy” with him too.  I’ll pass out from the cuteness when he gets that one 😉

A poop dialogue.

Melissa

The scene:  A lovely Memorial Day morning, Umma and Duhdee are sitting at the dining room table planning the week’s menu.  Monkey walks by pulling down his pants.

Umma:  Do you need help buddy? (Gets up to help Monkey sit down on the toilet.)

Monkey:  Dee!

U:  Duhdee, Monkey wants you.

Duhdee:  Do you want a book?

M:  Yes.

D:  Do you want “Brown Bear?”

M:  No!  All DONE! Egg! (points at bum as he is pooping.)

(Umma returns to her seat and listens)

D:  You pooped!

M:  Egg.

D:  You want an egg ((He wants a leftover plastic Easter Egg from his basket.  Yes, he still has leftover candy from Easter…Umma the Easter Bunny goes a little nuts with the candy))?

M:  Yyyyyyessss!

D:  Ok, you can have an egg after you are done.

M:  Water!

D:  Yes, the poop is in the water.

M:  Splash!

D:  Yes, the it went splash in the water.

M:  Egg.  (Toilet is flushed.)

Fin.

A Monkey thwarted is not pretty.

Melissa

We have a new development at school.  It appears that Monkey is not a fan of taking turns.  The teachers have spoiled him rotten and now they are paying the consequences.

What has happened is that, when Monkey began his language explosion back in December, the staff in the classroom bent over backwards to respond to his every word.  They did all they could to avoid saying no to him.  Whatever word he used, whatever request he made, was honored.  Now that the newness of that has worn off they are now saying no to him or asking him to wait.  He is not impressed. 

He’s just like Umma too, when he’s mad, he cries…he looks absolutely pitiful.  They’re feeling pretty bad about it but he’s just going to have to get used to a classroom that doesn’t revolve around him 😉

Swine Flu

Melissa

Our school district has had confirmed cases of swine flu for the last week.  Monkey’s school now has confirmed cases of swine flu.  Today, Monkey had diarrhea so the nurse wants him to stay home from school tomorrow.  I do sort of wish he’d had it at home, though I know for a fact Duhdee is thrilled he didn’t have to clean it up, so we could have seen it for ourselves.  Loose stools in FX are common, Monkey has struggled with it in the past…I wonder if the school nurse is aware of that fact.  Probably not, eh?   Duhdee couldn’t tell if he had a temperature because he’d just come in from the playground and the 80+ degree heat.

Ah, well…we’ll watch him for other symptoms.  I know Monkey doesn’t mind starting the long weekend early…let’s just hope he’s not truly sick.

**Edited to add** He seems fine.  We’ll load him up on fiber and hopefully send him back to school next Tuesday with the BM issue resolved.

***Edited again to add*** He is fine.  He’s home with Duhdee playing in the yard.

The public face.

Melissa

I’ve written before (here, here and here) about my struggles with depression. It’s not something I enjoy talking about. I’m not embarrassed by it, I just have a hard time explaining it to people who haven’t experienced it so it’s just easier to not bother. Also, it’s not like it comes up in casual conversation. Most people don’t know when I’m struggling because I’ve become very good at maintaining my “public face.” I do it out of habit and out of necessity but it is exhausting.

Pretending that you are “fine” when you have a heavy weight the size of your fist in your chest is hard work. Smiling and talking when you would rather just sit and stare at a wall is hard work. Cuddling and loving your darling son after a very long day of wearing your mask is hard work. Eventually that mask has to crumble, it’s not possible to go on day after day and not get worn out..to not get emptied out, emotionally. It’s not possible to keep taking hit after hit emotionally and keep your balance. Sooner or later you hit a tipping point. I have hit mine.

I can’t tell you precisely when the slide started, depression is sneaky like that. It has always been cyclical for me…I slide, I struggle, I rebound. Twice I’ve struggled to the point that I sought outside help but for the most part I’ve been able to get through it. It is very hard for me to ask for help. I always assume it will get better and, eventually, it does.

I assumed that is what would happen this time too. There is no reason for it not to. I am very happily married, I have a son I love more than life itself, I have a good job, our finances are good, our future looks bright. There are, of course, issues…everyone has them they’re part of life but there are no issues I would expect to tip me off balance. In the past, when I’ve needed help, there have been major outside issues that influenced my emotional state…stress, fear, hurt, loneliness, etc. None of that is true this time so I assumed this would be one of the lower points but that I would ultimately be OK.

Somehow though this turned into something bigger. The slide did not stop. I began to wonder if this feeling would ever start to lift. I withdrew emotionally into a shell, the only pieces that seemed to escape were bright flashes of anger and frustration and shame. I knew I was not at my best but I had lost the ability to see myself clearly and to see how withdrawn I had become. I started to feel hopeless. I would think about the many long years ahead of me and wonder how I could possibly live like this year after year.

I would come home from work and go through the motions until Monkey was in bed. I used up every ounce of my energy getting through a work day and being his mom. I wasn’t always successful, either, which broke my heart. He has enough struggle in his life, he does not need a frustrated and short-tempered mom. Once he was in bed, I turned off. I would sit and mindlessly surf the internet or I would escape to our bed with a book. I would read or surf until I couldn’t keep my eyes open a moment longer, which often took until 1 or 2 AM , and then fall asleep. I wasn’t being a very good wife.  Poor Duhdee was left with nothing of me but the worst bits.

Duhdee watched on helplessly throughout all of this. He suggested a few times that maybe I should see my Dr. and I agreed but I put it off. He would talk to me about feeling shut out and I felt awful about it. I would spend a few days or weeks doing better, being better, and I would even start to think maybe I was going to bounce back. It was all just too much work and I couldn’t maintain it. I would slide right back to where I had started. That feeling of hopelessness grew because I could not dig myself out, no matter how I tried. The feeling of letting down my husband and son was so incredibly painful to me.

Last month, Duhdee approached me again. This up and down struggle had been going on for almost a year now and he was reaching his breaking point. He sat me down and told me how he was feeling and I got angry. I wasn’t angry because he was wrong or being unreasonable but because he was right. Not very rational, I know, but I felt guilty and I immediately tried to justify myself and shift blame. A lesser man would have let the next few days blow up into a fight, possibly into one of those fights that marriages don’t fully recover from if they recover at all.

Fortunately for me, I was able to see through all my anger and see what an effect my emotional state was having on our family. He reassured me that I was not neglecting Monkey, that I was still being a good mommy to him.  I knew though that I was not being the best mommy I could be. I finally decided that Duhdee and Monkey deserved better. I called my Dr. and had a physical. I asked her for a referral to a psychiatrist. I managed to keep that appointment despite the fact that I was willing to do almost anything to avoid it.

The Dr. had read my history, he knew about Monkey’s diagnosis and he knew a bit about FX. All of this set me at ease. He ran through one of those depression checklists and I was experiencing nearly every single symptom short of suicidal ideation. He looked at me and told me “You’re having a very difficult time right now. You are struggling and you do not need to be.” It was like an explosion in my head. I was sitting in that chair because I knew Duhdee and Monkey deserved better than what they were getting from me but it had not ever crossed my mind that I deserved better too. I told the Dr. I was tired of the ups and downs. I was tired of feeling like life was such hard work.

He has prescribed b.uproprion which is a generic version of W.ellbutrin. I’ve been taking it for just over a week today and I feel better. I felt better as soon as I left his office, in fact. Obviously it’s not the medication, it’s what he said to me as I left.

He said, “When you come in here in six weeks you are going to feel better. When I ask you if you are feeling better you will say “Yes.” When I ask you when you started feeling better you will not know when.”

That right there? It’s hope. It’s what will get me through until the medication can take over.

I told my mom last Sunday that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s not quite true but I can sense it. It’s sort of like standing on the platform waiting for the train to emerge from the tunnel. If you are paying attention, you will know the train is coming long before you hear it, long before you see the lights. You will be able to feel the light breeze it creates, as it rushes toward you, caressing your cheeks.

The unexpected.

Melissa

Mother’s Day started out wonderfully, Duhdee and I were lounging in bed enjoying the novel experience of waking on our own terms.  There was no whining (mine), no wrapping of the covers around heads (Duhdee) or maniacal laughter (Monkey’s, naturally) just quiet.  Did I mention the lovely pillows and the bed that felt as if it were an acre of white, puffy clouds gently cradling us?  *Bliss*

As we checked out we experienced the first of our little “bumps.”  I stood looking out the window of the inn and noticed two things.  One, the cafe across the street had a “Now Leasing” sign in the window…so much for walking across the street for breakfast!  And two, the store two doors down from the shuttered bakery…the ONLY place I could buy the gift that I had picked out for my mom…was dark.  It was supposed to open at 11 AM, just the time we were checking out, but there was not a single light on inside.  We quickly rearranged the schedule in our heads, we would drive out to another restaurant I knew of for breakfast and then come back in town for the gift.  No big deal! *Grin*

As I was putting the suitcase in the back of the truck, we experienced the next of our little “bumps.”  I saw, with horror, that the cards I’d left in the back overnight were soaking wet.  Somehow the window in the cargo area had developed a leak and a small area, just the size of the greeting cards, was soaked but everywhere else, you know, all the EMPTY SPACE, was perfectly dry.  Both Mother’s Day cards, my grandfather’s birthday card and my nephew’s birthday card were totally ruined. *Sigh*

We drove out of town and the alternate restaurant I had picked had been replaced with another restaurant that I’d never tried and it looked a bit sketchy.  OK…alternate restaurant two was decided on and, finally, I could get something in my belly.   Just in time too because I tend to be a bit grumpy when I’m hungry.  (That might be an understatement.)  When we walked in to the restaurant I decided that things were looking up, I saw just exactly what I wanted to eat on the “Specials” board!  Strawberry stuffed waffles, I was so excited.  The service was prompt, the coffee and tea were hot.  Definitely looking up.  Just as I finished my first cup of tea the waitress brought out my waffle and Duhdee’s monster omelet.  I dug right in and then looked at Duhdee in dismay.  There were NO strawberries!  Our waitress walked by just as I was standing up to look at the “Specials” board again and I grabbed her attention.  “I thought I ordered the…oh…right.”  I ordered the waffle.  The “strawberry stuffed” yumminess that I had wanted?  French TOAST.  Damn.   The waitress began to offer to place the order for the french toast but I just smiled and sent her on her way. *Pout*

After breakfast we drove back toward town and stopped to replace the cards that had been ruined over night.  It was now nearly noon on Mother’s Day and the row with the Mother’s Day cards?  PACKED.  All men too, lol.  After making our choices we drove the rest of the way back in to town so I could grab the gift I’d chosen but there was one slight problem…the store?  STILL closed.  There was no sign indicating when or if they would open that day, just a list of their normal store hours which included 11-7 on Sundays. *Twitch*

Duhdee and I sat looking at each other for a bit.  Then I perked up, we had seen a great little nursery and farm store just out of town when we had been looking for a place to eat breakfast.  We’d seen some gorgeous hanging baskets that would be perfect.  We drove over and were able to quickly decide on one of the baskets.  After we paid for it we walked out of the store and I was greeted with the cutest little stone Bulldog butt I’ve ever seen.  Hmmm, come to think of it, it may be the only stone Bulldog butt I’ve ever seen.  I tried to convince Duhdee to buy it for me but at $179.00 he was not biting.  I stood looking at it for a while longer, the little curl of a tail on the back just set me off.  *Giggle*

So, finally, at close to 1 PM we show up at my parent’s house to chat for a bit, pack up the kid and then take off for home.  For some reason SOMEONE (me) told Grampa, in the course of a conversation, that they had never been to a Cabela’s store.  I swear he couldn’t have been more shocked if I’d told him I thought the 2nd Amendment should be repealed (him, lifetime NRA member…he’d rather I admit to being a Commie.)  It seems that one had opened in Maine not so long ago and, ever since, Grampa has been practically living there.  SOMEONE (me again!) also happened to toss out “The store I’d really like to go to is Tractor’s Supply Co.”   Wouldn’t you know it but Cabela’s and Tractor Supply are located very close to each other?  Grampa and Grammy were pretty eager to take us and I did really want to see both stores so, instead of packing up and leaving, we found ourselves headed in the wrong direction on the highway.  *Oops*

So that’s how I found myself shaking my head and staring up at a 30 foot mountain of dead, stuffed animals on Mother’s Day. *Shudder*

Betcha didn’t see that coming.

After the party.

Melissa

Once Monkey nearly pushed us to the door so he could get back to watching Winnie-The-Pooh with his Auntie, Duhdee and I drove in town to check into the local inn.  The inn was built in the late 1700’s and everyone knows that it is haunted.  I was looking forward to our night there.  I asked the gentleman that checked us in if we had the haunted room but, alas, we were down the hall.  Maybe next time, I thought!

When we walked into the room Duhdee knew immediately that I was going to love it.  The bathroom had a lovely, deep, clawfoot tub just made for soaking in.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t thought to bring my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser with me.  This is not a comment on the cleanliness of the tub, I need to wash our tub at home every time I use it too.  It’s a thing.   What really made me fall in love with the inn, however, was what I saw when we entered the bedroom.  Sitting there, dressed in crisp, white linens was a king-sized bed with no less than 5 pillows, each of a different style/weight.  I could have happily cocooned myself in pillows right then and there and stayed put until check-out the next AM but we had not eaten dinner and so I had to instead jump into the shower and get ready for our night out on the town.

After primping and grooming we set out, on foot, looking for a nice restaurant.  There was a perfectly lovely restaurant in the inn but we wanted the chance to walk and hold hands.  Monkey doesn’t often let us do that.  It began to sprinkle before we’d even crossed the street but we had planned well and used the umbrella.  After a bit of adjustment we figured out how to share it even.  We stopped in to the store across the street for a moment and when we came out the sprinkle had turned into a torrential downpour.  There was a small creek where the parking lot had stood a few minutes before!  We stood in the entryway to the store with a few other people for a few minutes.  Duhdee looked up the weather map (gotta love a smartphone) and we could see that it was a passing shower.  Within 10 minutes it was back to a gentle sprinkle and we once again set out in search of dinner.

The restaurant we found was in a great location on the first floor of an old, converted mill.  It had great views of the river and the falls but it was also very loud and very crowded.  Not exactly what we were looking for.  We decided to walk back to the inn and drive toward the beach.  There were more dining options and I would be able to grab my purse from my parent’s house where I had left it (not that anyone cards me anymore *pout*)  When we stopped at my parents we had my sister bring my purse out so we didn’t upset Monkey.  I don’t think he would have cared but we were being careful.

We drove down to the village of shops and restaurants and quickly settled on an Italian bistro.  It was divine!  Not only was it clearly a restaurant for grownups but it had a lengthy wine list.  Score!  We ordered an appetizer of fried calamari and reveled in the fact that we could have an appetizer.  Normally, we are only able to sit down long enough for an entree, we wanted to spoil ourselves and have multiple courses.  We are so pathetic 🙂

Dinner was just as fantastic as the appetizer and the wine was perfect.  We enjoyed the time to talk about everything and nothing.  We didn’t have to worry about how long the entrees were taking because we had all the time in the world!  I had lobster, cream cheese and scallop ravioli with lobster and mushroom sauce.  I had ordered it largely because I wanted to see how they could possibly get all those ingredients into a ravioli and I was quite amazed when they brought me ONE ravioli that was just a little bit larger than a baseball.  It was sitting on a portobello mushroom cap and it was heavenly.  I ate every single bite even though I was really, really full much sooner than that.  Duhdee ordered spaghetti with clams, mussels, shrimp and scallops in a garlic cherry pepper, white wine-butter sauce.  I have no idea if he finished his meal or not because my eyes were crossed by this point. I then witnessed something I have not witnessed in years!  I watched Duhdee pay for the meal!  Typically, Monkey and I are headed for the car as soon as Monkey finishes chewing.  I was quite excited…such silly pleasures.

After dinner we decided to head back to the inn and have dessert in the bar downstairs.  We would have liked to have been able to walk and enjoy the sights but the rain was falling steadily again.  The bar was quite an experience.  First of all, it was a rainy Saturday night in a tourist town.  There are two ways this can go, either the bar will be packed or it will be deserted.  It was deserted.

There were 3 couples in the entire bar, including us.  There was an older man, in his 60’s I would say, with a very young woman at one end of the bar engaged in a lengthy discussion of his love life, mostly his awful choice in women.  They only broke from this discussion to comment on the “Kill Bill” scene on the television at one point.  They were going to count how many people Uma killed but they lost count at 4.  They were slightly drunk. The other couple was at the opposite end of the bar.  They were in their early-20’s and between the two of them they had approximately 2 bazillion facial piercings.  Really.  They seemed very nice but they were quietly engaged in their own world.

Duhdee and I planted ourselves smack in the middle and began chatting up the bartender who also happened to be the nice gentleman who had checked us in earlier.  We each had a drink and Duhdee ordered a cheesecake, I was still too stuffed to even consider it.  We put the Celtics game on (the bartender had handed us the remote control…it was a really slow night) and the odd couple to our left (the loud, slightly inappropriate old man and his little chippy…not to be confused with the ever so polite pierced and dredlocked couple to the right) departed and as they were wobbling toward the door she called him “Dad.” Even more creepy and inappropriate than we’d thought!  Then the young couple paid their tab and left.  Duhdee asked the bartender if he would, on a slow night, close up or stay open until a certain time.  When he said he’d probably close up this early in the season but he would stay open if it were the height of the tourist season, we took pity on the man and went back to our room so he could get off work an few hours early.

Then we got ready for bed.  I might have even run and jumped into the bed out of sheer joy.  Then we did something ELSE we haven’t done in a while.  We slept ALLLLLL night (except for that short period of time when I woke up with a cough and ended up laying awake freaking myself out about the ghost in the middle of the night.  At this point I was very, very glad we didn’t have the haunted room.  Heh.)

The next morning we lingered in the room until we absolutely had to go check out.  We went to find a place to eat breakfast, we wanted one more meal where we could linger.  Happy Mother’s Day to me!  After finishing breakfast we headed to my parents house.  The “plan” was that we’d talk a bit, pack up the kid and hit the road on the early side.  The best laid plans often get set aside though and that’s just what happened.

Up next, How I Spent Mother’s Day.