Month: May 2009

The public face.

Melissa

I’ve written before (here, here and here) about my struggles with depression. It’s not something I enjoy talking about. I’m not embarrassed by it, I just have a hard time explaining it to people who haven’t experienced it so it’s just easier to not bother. Also, it’s not like it comes up in casual conversation. Most people don’t know when I’m struggling because I’ve become very good at maintaining my “public face.” I do it out of habit and out of necessity but it is exhausting.

Pretending that you are “fine” when you have a heavy weight the size of your fist in your chest is hard work. Smiling and talking when you would rather just sit and stare at a wall is hard work. Cuddling and loving your darling son after a very long day of wearing your mask is hard work. Eventually that mask has to crumble, it’s not possible to go on day after day and not get worn out..to not get emptied out, emotionally. It’s not possible to keep taking hit after hit emotionally and keep your balance. Sooner or later you hit a tipping point. I have hit mine.

I can’t tell you precisely when the slide started, depression is sneaky like that. It has always been cyclical for me…I slide, I struggle, I rebound. Twice I’ve struggled to the point that I sought outside help but for the most part I’ve been able to get through it. It is very hard for me to ask for help. I always assume it will get better and, eventually, it does.

I assumed that is what would happen this time too. There is no reason for it not to. I am very happily married, I have a son I love more than life itself, I have a good job, our finances are good, our future looks bright. There are, of course, issues…everyone has them they’re part of life but there are no issues I would expect to tip me off balance. In the past, when I’ve needed help, there have been major outside issues that influenced my emotional state…stress, fear, hurt, loneliness, etc. None of that is true this time so I assumed this would be one of the lower points but that I would ultimately be OK.

Somehow though this turned into something bigger. The slide did not stop. I began to wonder if this feeling would ever start to lift. I withdrew emotionally into a shell, the only pieces that seemed to escape were bright flashes of anger and frustration and shame. I knew I was not at my best but I had lost the ability to see myself clearly and to see how withdrawn I had become. I started to feel hopeless. I would think about the many long years ahead of me and wonder how I could possibly live like this year after year.

I would come home from work and go through the motions until Monkey was in bed. I used up every ounce of my energy getting through a work day and being his mom. I wasn’t always successful, either, which broke my heart. He has enough struggle in his life, he does not need a frustrated and short-tempered mom. Once he was in bed, I turned off. I would sit and mindlessly surf the internet or I would escape to our bed with a book. I would read or surf until I couldn’t keep my eyes open a moment longer, which often took until 1 or 2 AM , and then fall asleep. I wasn’t being a very good wife.  Poor Duhdee was left with nothing of me but the worst bits.

Duhdee watched on helplessly throughout all of this. He suggested a few times that maybe I should see my Dr. and I agreed but I put it off. He would talk to me about feeling shut out and I felt awful about it. I would spend a few days or weeks doing better, being better, and I would even start to think maybe I was going to bounce back. It was all just too much work and I couldn’t maintain it. I would slide right back to where I had started. That feeling of hopelessness grew because I could not dig myself out, no matter how I tried. The feeling of letting down my husband and son was so incredibly painful to me.

Last month, Duhdee approached me again. This up and down struggle had been going on for almost a year now and he was reaching his breaking point. He sat me down and told me how he was feeling and I got angry. I wasn’t angry because he was wrong or being unreasonable but because he was right. Not very rational, I know, but I felt guilty and I immediately tried to justify myself and shift blame. A lesser man would have let the next few days blow up into a fight, possibly into one of those fights that marriages don’t fully recover from if they recover at all.

Fortunately for me, I was able to see through all my anger and see what an effect my emotional state was having on our family. He reassured me that I was not neglecting Monkey, that I was still being a good mommy to him.  I knew though that I was not being the best mommy I could be. I finally decided that Duhdee and Monkey deserved better. I called my Dr. and had a physical. I asked her for a referral to a psychiatrist. I managed to keep that appointment despite the fact that I was willing to do almost anything to avoid it.

The Dr. had read my history, he knew about Monkey’s diagnosis and he knew a bit about FX. All of this set me at ease. He ran through one of those depression checklists and I was experiencing nearly every single symptom short of suicidal ideation. He looked at me and told me “You’re having a very difficult time right now. You are struggling and you do not need to be.” It was like an explosion in my head. I was sitting in that chair because I knew Duhdee and Monkey deserved better than what they were getting from me but it had not ever crossed my mind that I deserved better too. I told the Dr. I was tired of the ups and downs. I was tired of feeling like life was such hard work.

He has prescribed b.uproprion which is a generic version of W.ellbutrin. I’ve been taking it for just over a week today and I feel better. I felt better as soon as I left his office, in fact. Obviously it’s not the medication, it’s what he said to me as I left.

He said, “When you come in here in six weeks you are going to feel better. When I ask you if you are feeling better you will say “Yes.” When I ask you when you started feeling better you will not know when.”

That right there? It’s hope. It’s what will get me through until the medication can take over.

I told my mom last Sunday that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s not quite true but I can sense it. It’s sort of like standing on the platform waiting for the train to emerge from the tunnel. If you are paying attention, you will know the train is coming long before you hear it, long before you see the lights. You will be able to feel the light breeze it creates, as it rushes toward you, caressing your cheeks.

The unexpected.

Melissa

Mother’s Day started out wonderfully, Duhdee and I were lounging in bed enjoying the novel experience of waking on our own terms.  There was no whining (mine), no wrapping of the covers around heads (Duhdee) or maniacal laughter (Monkey’s, naturally) just quiet.  Did I mention the lovely pillows and the bed that felt as if it were an acre of white, puffy clouds gently cradling us?  *Bliss*

As we checked out we experienced the first of our little “bumps.”  I stood looking out the window of the inn and noticed two things.  One, the cafe across the street had a “Now Leasing” sign in the window…so much for walking across the street for breakfast!  And two, the store two doors down from the shuttered bakery…the ONLY place I could buy the gift that I had picked out for my mom…was dark.  It was supposed to open at 11 AM, just the time we were checking out, but there was not a single light on inside.  We quickly rearranged the schedule in our heads, we would drive out to another restaurant I knew of for breakfast and then come back in town for the gift.  No big deal! *Grin*

As I was putting the suitcase in the back of the truck, we experienced the next of our little “bumps.”  I saw, with horror, that the cards I’d left in the back overnight were soaking wet.  Somehow the window in the cargo area had developed a leak and a small area, just the size of the greeting cards, was soaked but everywhere else, you know, all the EMPTY SPACE, was perfectly dry.  Both Mother’s Day cards, my grandfather’s birthday card and my nephew’s birthday card were totally ruined. *Sigh*

We drove out of town and the alternate restaurant I had picked had been replaced with another restaurant that I’d never tried and it looked a bit sketchy.  OK…alternate restaurant two was decided on and, finally, I could get something in my belly.   Just in time too because I tend to be a bit grumpy when I’m hungry.  (That might be an understatement.)  When we walked in to the restaurant I decided that things were looking up, I saw just exactly what I wanted to eat on the “Specials” board!  Strawberry stuffed waffles, I was so excited.  The service was prompt, the coffee and tea were hot.  Definitely looking up.  Just as I finished my first cup of tea the waitress brought out my waffle and Duhdee’s monster omelet.  I dug right in and then looked at Duhdee in dismay.  There were NO strawberries!  Our waitress walked by just as I was standing up to look at the “Specials” board again and I grabbed her attention.  “I thought I ordered the…oh…right.”  I ordered the waffle.  The “strawberry stuffed” yumminess that I had wanted?  French TOAST.  Damn.   The waitress began to offer to place the order for the french toast but I just smiled and sent her on her way. *Pout*

After breakfast we drove back toward town and stopped to replace the cards that had been ruined over night.  It was now nearly noon on Mother’s Day and the row with the Mother’s Day cards?  PACKED.  All men too, lol.  After making our choices we drove the rest of the way back in to town so I could grab the gift I’d chosen but there was one slight problem…the store?  STILL closed.  There was no sign indicating when or if they would open that day, just a list of their normal store hours which included 11-7 on Sundays. *Twitch*

Duhdee and I sat looking at each other for a bit.  Then I perked up, we had seen a great little nursery and farm store just out of town when we had been looking for a place to eat breakfast.  We’d seen some gorgeous hanging baskets that would be perfect.  We drove over and were able to quickly decide on one of the baskets.  After we paid for it we walked out of the store and I was greeted with the cutest little stone Bulldog butt I’ve ever seen.  Hmmm, come to think of it, it may be the only stone Bulldog butt I’ve ever seen.  I tried to convince Duhdee to buy it for me but at $179.00 he was not biting.  I stood looking at it for a while longer, the little curl of a tail on the back just set me off.  *Giggle*

So, finally, at close to 1 PM we show up at my parent’s house to chat for a bit, pack up the kid and then take off for home.  For some reason SOMEONE (me) told Grampa, in the course of a conversation, that they had never been to a Cabela’s store.  I swear he couldn’t have been more shocked if I’d told him I thought the 2nd Amendment should be repealed (him, lifetime NRA member…he’d rather I admit to being a Commie.)  It seems that one had opened in Maine not so long ago and, ever since, Grampa has been practically living there.  SOMEONE (me again!) also happened to toss out “The store I’d really like to go to is Tractor’s Supply Co.”   Wouldn’t you know it but Cabela’s and Tractor Supply are located very close to each other?  Grampa and Grammy were pretty eager to take us and I did really want to see both stores so, instead of packing up and leaving, we found ourselves headed in the wrong direction on the highway.  *Oops*

So that’s how I found myself shaking my head and staring up at a 30 foot mountain of dead, stuffed animals on Mother’s Day. *Shudder*

Betcha didn’t see that coming.

After the party.

Melissa

Once Monkey nearly pushed us to the door so he could get back to watching Winnie-The-Pooh with his Auntie, Duhdee and I drove in town to check into the local inn.  The inn was built in the late 1700’s and everyone knows that it is haunted.  I was looking forward to our night there.  I asked the gentleman that checked us in if we had the haunted room but, alas, we were down the hall.  Maybe next time, I thought!

When we walked into the room Duhdee knew immediately that I was going to love it.  The bathroom had a lovely, deep, clawfoot tub just made for soaking in.  Unfortunately, I hadn’t thought to bring my Mr. Clean Magic Eraser with me.  This is not a comment on the cleanliness of the tub, I need to wash our tub at home every time I use it too.  It’s a thing.   What really made me fall in love with the inn, however, was what I saw when we entered the bedroom.  Sitting there, dressed in crisp, white linens was a king-sized bed with no less than 5 pillows, each of a different style/weight.  I could have happily cocooned myself in pillows right then and there and stayed put until check-out the next AM but we had not eaten dinner and so I had to instead jump into the shower and get ready for our night out on the town.

After primping and grooming we set out, on foot, looking for a nice restaurant.  There was a perfectly lovely restaurant in the inn but we wanted the chance to walk and hold hands.  Monkey doesn’t often let us do that.  It began to sprinkle before we’d even crossed the street but we had planned well and used the umbrella.  After a bit of adjustment we figured out how to share it even.  We stopped in to the store across the street for a moment and when we came out the sprinkle had turned into a torrential downpour.  There was a small creek where the parking lot had stood a few minutes before!  We stood in the entryway to the store with a few other people for a few minutes.  Duhdee looked up the weather map (gotta love a smartphone) and we could see that it was a passing shower.  Within 10 minutes it was back to a gentle sprinkle and we once again set out in search of dinner.

The restaurant we found was in a great location on the first floor of an old, converted mill.  It had great views of the river and the falls but it was also very loud and very crowded.  Not exactly what we were looking for.  We decided to walk back to the inn and drive toward the beach.  There were more dining options and I would be able to grab my purse from my parent’s house where I had left it (not that anyone cards me anymore *pout*)  When we stopped at my parents we had my sister bring my purse out so we didn’t upset Monkey.  I don’t think he would have cared but we were being careful.

We drove down to the village of shops and restaurants and quickly settled on an Italian bistro.  It was divine!  Not only was it clearly a restaurant for grownups but it had a lengthy wine list.  Score!  We ordered an appetizer of fried calamari and reveled in the fact that we could have an appetizer.  Normally, we are only able to sit down long enough for an entree, we wanted to spoil ourselves and have multiple courses.  We are so pathetic 🙂

Dinner was just as fantastic as the appetizer and the wine was perfect.  We enjoyed the time to talk about everything and nothing.  We didn’t have to worry about how long the entrees were taking because we had all the time in the world!  I had lobster, cream cheese and scallop ravioli with lobster and mushroom sauce.  I had ordered it largely because I wanted to see how they could possibly get all those ingredients into a ravioli and I was quite amazed when they brought me ONE ravioli that was just a little bit larger than a baseball.  It was sitting on a portobello mushroom cap and it was heavenly.  I ate every single bite even though I was really, really full much sooner than that.  Duhdee ordered spaghetti with clams, mussels, shrimp and scallops in a garlic cherry pepper, white wine-butter sauce.  I have no idea if he finished his meal or not because my eyes were crossed by this point. I then witnessed something I have not witnessed in years!  I watched Duhdee pay for the meal!  Typically, Monkey and I are headed for the car as soon as Monkey finishes chewing.  I was quite excited…such silly pleasures.

After dinner we decided to head back to the inn and have dessert in the bar downstairs.  We would have liked to have been able to walk and enjoy the sights but the rain was falling steadily again.  The bar was quite an experience.  First of all, it was a rainy Saturday night in a tourist town.  There are two ways this can go, either the bar will be packed or it will be deserted.  It was deserted.

There were 3 couples in the entire bar, including us.  There was an older man, in his 60’s I would say, with a very young woman at one end of the bar engaged in a lengthy discussion of his love life, mostly his awful choice in women.  They only broke from this discussion to comment on the “Kill Bill” scene on the television at one point.  They were going to count how many people Uma killed but they lost count at 4.  They were slightly drunk. The other couple was at the opposite end of the bar.  They were in their early-20’s and between the two of them they had approximately 2 bazillion facial piercings.  Really.  They seemed very nice but they were quietly engaged in their own world.

Duhdee and I planted ourselves smack in the middle and began chatting up the bartender who also happened to be the nice gentleman who had checked us in earlier.  We each had a drink and Duhdee ordered a cheesecake, I was still too stuffed to even consider it.  We put the Celtics game on (the bartender had handed us the remote control…it was a really slow night) and the odd couple to our left (the loud, slightly inappropriate old man and his little chippy…not to be confused with the ever so polite pierced and dredlocked couple to the right) departed and as they were wobbling toward the door she called him “Dad.” Even more creepy and inappropriate than we’d thought!  Then the young couple paid their tab and left.  Duhdee asked the bartender if he would, on a slow night, close up or stay open until a certain time.  When he said he’d probably close up this early in the season but he would stay open if it were the height of the tourist season, we took pity on the man and went back to our room so he could get off work an few hours early.

Then we got ready for bed.  I might have even run and jumped into the bed out of sheer joy.  Then we did something ELSE we haven’t done in a while.  We slept ALLLLLL night (except for that short period of time when I woke up with a cough and ended up laying awake freaking myself out about the ghost in the middle of the night.  At this point I was very, very glad we didn’t have the haunted room.  Heh.)

The next morning we lingered in the room until we absolutely had to go check out.  We went to find a place to eat breakfast, we wanted one more meal where we could linger.  Happy Mother’s Day to me!  After finishing breakfast we headed to my parents house.  The “plan” was that we’d talk a bit, pack up the kid and hit the road on the early side.  The best laid plans often get set aside though and that’s just what happened.

Up next, How I Spent Mother’s Day.

I was going to do a weekend round-up but…

Melissa

it was getting too long and I nearly fell asleep writing it so I’ll space this out a bit 😉

This past Saturday we celebrated Monkey’s 5th birthday!  His birthday isn’t until Friday but this was the weekend that worked for the most people so we decided to celebrate early.  He totally makes out because he gets presents from us twice, lol.  We’re saving the big one for Friday…hopefully Duhdee finishes the preparations.

Last week was a blur.  We had to pick up a lot of odds and ends for the party, we had to pick up some gifts, we had to order a cake.  3 out of 4 years we went to the grocery store bakery and had them put a cake together, last year we made one at home…this year Duhdee decided he wanted a really cool cake.  We’ve decided that if we’re only going to experience this (raising a child) once then we’re going to make sure we all enjoy ourselves.  The cake was a custom order from a nifty bakery in Belmont called Yum Bunnies.  It was perfect.  Duhdee told them we wanted a cake with tools, both power tools and hand tools were fine, with accents of yellow and red.

We loved it!  It looked great and it was very tasty.  Each year we seem to get stuck with more cake than we know what to do with but this one was *gone* by the end of the party.  Monkey loved it too.  He saw it on Friday, when they picked it up, and as soon as they got into the truck he started saying “Tools!”  We had a very challenging time keeping his fingers out of it but we managed to do so long enough for everyone to get a peek and for people to take a few pictures…then his finger landed in the frosting.

Before we had the cake however we were all just socializing.  There were 22 of us altogether and we can be a noisy bunch!  Monkey circulated well.  He played both inside and out, snacked on chips, drank out of his OWN glass (and not just out of any glass he could find) once I showed him it had his name on it, and snuck up on Papa (my maternal grandfather) 3 times to shake his hand!  It was so nice that Duhdee and I could both relax and not have to tag team to keep track of him.  None of this is in the category of “OMG” but it was a nice collection of new little abilities that made the day so much nicer.

So, when the time came for the cake I took Monkey aside on the deck (which was the quietest location I could find given the number of people in the house and the size of the sound system my cousin had set up in the backyard) and we had a little pep talk.  I got down on his level and told him we were going to sing “Happy Birthday” to him, then he was going to blow out the candles on his cake and then he could eat his “tool” cake.  Then I asked him if it was OK for us to sing for him and he said “Yes.”  I asked him if he wanted to blow out his candles and he said “Yes.”  I asked him if he wanted to eat his tool cake and he said “YES!”  Alrighty, let’s go!  He sat down, I asked him again if it was OK for us to sing and he covered his ears and yelled “NOOOOO!”  Everyone cracked up and no one minded skipping that part (we are horrid singers…every last one of us, lol.)  He then blew out his candles and dove in.

It turns out that I forgot an important step in our pre-cake pep talk.  I forgot to mention the part where Duhdee had to cut the cake before we dug in…oops.  Not too much damage was done, lol.

After cake was presents…he sat and opened everything which is newish…he couldn’t do this last year.  Everyone was looking at him and taking pictures but he did great.

After presents was more chatting.  By the time the last guest left it was time for Duhdee and I to clean up and head out for our night out while Monkey stayed the night with Grammy and Grampa.  When we said good-bye he practically shoved us out the door, lol.

Phew.  Five hours of decorating, visiting, partying and cleaning and we were beat but our night was just starting!

How about them executive functioning skills?

Melissa

This morning, about a 1/2 hour before we left for school, Monkey came in to the bathroom and asked for help getting one of his bath toys out of the net bag they are stored in.  I thought it was funny because he never plays with them anymore now that he takes showers and it was especially odd because even when he was still taking baths this particular toy was not one of his favorites.  I helped him get out his wind-up Elmo toy and he took off happily.

Once we were all ready to go I noticed that he was still holding the toy.  Duhdee asked him if he was taking the toy with him or if he was leaving it at home.  Monkey did not respond but he started to put the toy down on the counter of his play kitchen.  When Duhdee grabbed his coat, however, he stopped and decided to keep the toy instead.  I took it from him briefly while he put on his coat but he quickly reclaimed it.  MOST days he would have abandoned the toy at this point.

On the way to school we played our normal games, the latest of which is my torturing quizzing him on the colors of the M&Ms before I’ll let him have one.  We started this game mostly because, if left to his own devices, he will only request RED M’s and we were running low on RED M’s, lol.

So, we arrive at school and Monkey was getting increasingly upset.  Fridays are hard.  He is tired by the end of the week and the last thing he wants to do is go to school, poor kid.  I sat in the truck while Duhdee walked around to let Monkey out and I noticed he was still holding that Elmo toy.   After I got out of the truck Duhdee asked him if he was taking the toy with him or if he was leaving it in the car, Monkey kept the toy.  He has NEVER kept the toy past this point.  Any time he has taken a toy in the car he ALWAYS leaves it in the car when we get where we are going.  Interesting.

Now we walked into the school and down the ramp to his classroom and he is continuing to clutch this toy.  It got to the point where he had to decide between letting go of Duhdee’s hand or handing over the toy to get an M from me.  He let go of Duhdee’s hand.   When we got in the classroom I had to take the toy away from him so he could take off his coat.  He grabbed his picture from his cubby and ran to check in. 

As soon as he was done Duhdee told him to come and make a choice for his first activity of the day.  He began signing and saying “water” as he ran to the choice board.   He picked the water table picture out of the array of choices and came straight toward me.  Duhdee made him stop and read his sentance “I want to play water table” and directed him toward the smocks.  At this point we had all realized what he had been planning over the last 45 minutes!  I asked the teacher if it was OK to let him have the Elmo toy, normally they do not let the kids keep toys from home in the classroom during the day.  She didn’t have the heart to tell him no once she saw how well he had planned this out.  As soon as I handed the toy to him, his face lit up and he started waving and telling us “Bye!” 

Our last look of him before we left was of him with his Elmo floating in the water table and a huge grin on his face.

Check it out!

Melissa

Remember way back in March when I mentioned the book My Very Own Name?  After I posted I decided to e-mail the company, just to plant a seed about perhaps offering the My Very Own ABC’s book in a format other than a board book.  I explained a little bit about Monkey and the fact that he’s really outgrown the board books, he prefers the big boy versions.

I received a very nice and very prompt reply from Customer Service that they infact only publish that book as a board book.  Exactly the response I expected but it was personal and not a form response which I greatly appreciated.  Shortly after receiving that response I received another from someone else at the company.  He too has a son with special needs and he took it upon himself to ask the author and the illustrator if they would allow him to have a special version of the book done just for Monkey.

They said yes. 

I cried when I saw it.  Sometimes life with a special needs kid is hard.  Sometimes people look at you and judge you.  Sometimes people look at you and pity you.  Sometimes special people do amazing things for special kids.

I can’t tell you how touched I was that this company went out of their way to create not one but TWO of these very special books and sent them to us, gratis.  One has been put up as a keepsake, the other is opening up the world of letters for one very lucky little boy.

We had a very busy weekend!

Melissa

Nothing terribly exciting, just a to do list that grew and grew, lol.  We spent a lot of time on Saturday shopping for odds and ends needed for various projects and then we spent most of Sunday working on the projects.  We completed most of what we set out to accomplish but not everything.  If it weren’t for my allergies we probably could have finished but I was dragging.

This is what Monkey looked like this morning:2009_03_02_005-2009_05_04_001

That’s pretty much how I felt all day, both days.  Minus the drool as far as I’m aware 😉